Dear Ally,
Ask Ally
My good friend has always been a caretaker for her family. That’s what women do, right? I’m afraid that my friend has gone overboard this time.
In recent years, because of illness, she’s taken care of her mother until she passed and after that, her brother. In between her family’s illness, she volunteered to sell her relative’s home in Florida. (Before Hurricane Helene hit that region.) This took up a great deal of research, time and effort.
Now, her husband is struggling with cancer and is losing his ability to function, doing daily tasks. She’s again found herself in the caretaking role. Like anyone would, she’s angry, frustrated and resentful because she never gets time to take care of herself. But she doesn’t realize that oftentimes, she has put herself in this situation.
As if her husband’s cancer wasn’t enough, recently, she’s assumed even more responsibility by helping her ill stepbrother move to Wisconsin. The assistance includes helping him secure medical insurance, an affordable apartment (she’s paying the first month’s rent) and finding him a decent job. Her intense involvement led someone associated with her brother’s matters to leave a voice mail that said; “I don’t know who I should be calling, you or your brother.”
I had always known the word co-dependence to be associated with enabling an addicted loved one to continue their addiction. Could my friend be addicted to helping people?
Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
Your insights are excellent, and your friend is lucky to have you in their life. Yes, co-dependency is just as addictive as drugs or alcohol. The addicted, obsessive part of the co-dependent thrives on fear, anxiety, chaos and problems. Like drugs and alcohol, it can kill you.
Stay on top of the news of the day
Subscribe to our free, daily e-newsletter to get Milwaukee's latest local news, restaurants, music, arts and entertainment and events delivered right to your inbox every weekday, plus a bonus Week in Review email on Saturdays.
We become co-dependent by learning at a very young age, that we had to abandon ourselves in order to take care of others. This early foundation set us up to learn that our value in the world is earned by helping others. In other words, putting others first over our own needs and wants. Life-long behavioral patterns begin from there.
Co-dependents need to fix others’ problems. They become obsessed with it. They cannot stay in their own lane. Co-dependency is the soft side of control, disguised as helping and it’s the perfect distraction away from solving our own problems.
Enabling is doing something for someone else that they can do themselves. Your friend is definitely enabling her brother in helping him with all matters in the move to a different state. In essence, enabling robs someone the dignity of their own choices.
When the co-dependent aspect of our personality gets triggered, anxiety and fear take the wheel and drive us around to the destination of chaos. The co-dependent can only stop themselves once they become aware of their patterns and how their behavior is destroying them. They need to get help through a therapist, Alanon or Co-Dependents Anonymous: coda.org.
You can help your friend by reminding her about the importance of self-care. Boundaries are an important first step. This is significant in overcoming co-dependency. By setting healthy boundaries, hopefully, she will begin to recognize when she is overextending herself and sacrificing her own well-being for others.
You can work with your friend by helping her practice saying “No” to others’ requests and prioritizing self-care instead. Your friend needs to understand that you are not judging her. Please speak in a gentle voice and a soft heart to assure your friend that you will support her as she tries to navigate these significant changes
Once you have this life-saving conversation with your friend about the co-dependency issue, you can support her by recommending key resources:
- Co-dependency No More – Melodie Beatty (a classic book on this subject)
- The Better Boundaries – Dr. Sharon Martin (Workbook available.)
- How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past and Create Your Self- Dr. Nicole LePera (Audiobook)
You are a loving, courageous friend. By having this difficult conversation, you may be saving your friend’s life. Changing life patterns is never easy, but almost always shapes our lives for the better. Please let us know how the conversation goes.
Here for you,
