Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
Something really weird happened. I’m shocked and have never seen anything like it. My two good friends decided to plan a birthday party for another friend. I’ll call the birthday girl Susan. I totally understand why they wanted to throw a party for her. She’s a generous and supportive person. Once she drove me to urgent care and left several delicious meals on my porch.
Just a little background on her: she’s had a tough life with an ugly divorce. She lives with her disabled adult daughter, with no financial support from her ex.
For some reason, the birthday party planning brought out another side of her. She became a different person. Instead of being gracious, Susan became demanding. First, she was upset about the place. She sent my friends an email, complaining about the bar and all the reasons why it was a bad choice. To please her, they changed the venue to the bar she suggested.
The drama continued. She insisted that my friends email a special kind of graphic invite. They had to ask another friend to do it. But the invite did not include RSVPs, which Susan really wanted. Then they asked their computer savvy friend another favor to change the invite. Outrageous!
Where was this need to control coming from? Should my friends have said something at that point?
The only thing I can think of is that her dad was an alcoholic, and she just couldn’t trust my friends to do the right things for her party. Could that be it? Can stress completely change our personalities?
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Susan didn’t stop there. She continued to text and email both of my friends about party details. She had all kinds of worries; about whether or not people would show, the food, the drinks, even the weather.
In fact, Susan sent anxious texts until the evening of the party. She completely wore my friends out. They arrived at the party, angry and resentful. I still can’t process this change in my friend. Can you share some insights about what could have happened to her?
Shocked and Confused
Dear Shocked and Confused,
You are right about all of your insights about Susan. Children of alcoholics feel a need to control situations, because they couldn’t control any of their life circumstances while growing up. They weren’t taught anything about setting boundaries either. As adults, their wants and needs spill onto others.
But as always, it takes at least two or three parties to create a dysfunctional communication dynamic. Your friends also needed to set boundaries and communicate clearly to Susan what they would and wouldn’t do for Susan’s birthday. They didn’t have to suffer in silence. They’re friends, right? Friends talk to each other and try to work things out. They could have given her gentle feedback about how she was communicating with them. Or they could have made a simple request such as: The party will be fun and everyone will have a good time. Please trust that we have all of the details figured out. Try to put your anxiety aside. Can you refrain from texting us about the party? Susan can decide at that point whether or not she can agree to the request. If she can’t, your friends do not need to reply.
You asked if stress could change behavior. Yes. If Susan’s already living a high stress life, the birthday party could have triggered a PTSD like response where Susan automatically went into survival mode and was not aware of her reactions. Even though, we associate birthday parties as happy occasions to some, it may just be another occasion to worry and try to control the outcome for others.
At the end of this column, I’ve suggested a couple of articles that you might find useful. Please remember that you are friends to all parties and the best thing you can do is to listen to their different points of view. Do not insert yourself or try to solve their problem. Take care of yourself and don’t get caught up in others’ drama. Trust your insights. They’ve been excellent so far!
Children of alcoholics: healthline.com/health/alcohol/adult-children-of-alcoholics
Healthy Boundaries: psychcentral.com/relationships/why-healthy-relationships-always-have-boundaries
Difficult conversations: psychologytoday.com/us/blog/some-assembly-required/201703/how-to-have-difficult-conversations
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