Verbal Abuse is a Neurotoxin

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Alice was deeply troubled about the well-being of her two young grandchildren.

"Their mother, my daughter-in-law, is terribly rude to them,” she told me. “I’m worried it borders on abuse, but my husband downplays it because there’s no hitting involved.”

While the mom in question did not resort to corporal punishment or spanking, she frequently assaulted her children with words. That term—assaulted—may seem over the top but, too often, it’s not.

“She takes care of them physically. It’s their mental health that concerns me,” she continued.

Fearing she was over-reacting, Alice’s spouse discouraged her from speaking out. He acknowledged that their daughter-in-law screamed at, belittled and even cursed the little ones, but he had endured some tongue-lashings as a youngster and claimed he felt no worse for the wear. However, while I wanted to reassure Alice, based on her account of the situation, I could not.

“Unfortunately, if your description of what’s going on is accurate, you have every right to be concerned about their mental well-being,” I told her. “To the developing brain of a child, verbal abuse is a neurotoxin.”

Brain Poison

Basically, a neurotoxin is anything that poisons the nervous system, particularly the brain. Lead and mercury are examples of neurotoxic substances that wreak havoc on mind and body. They impede the brain’s capacity to develop normally, particularly in children and teens. Research shows that both verbal and physical abuse can produce equally deleterious effects on neurological development, and these impacts are not “just psychological.” Neuroscientists have imaged the brains of children exposed to abuse, neglect and trauma, both physical and verbal, and they can literally see the anatomical damage wrought by these toxic influences. What’s more, studies have definitively linked so-called “adverse childhood events” to greatly increased risks of adult mental disorders, including depression, anxiety, drug addiction and aggression.    

Overall, even though verbal abuse appears to be more common than its physical counterpart (in some surveys, it is present in over 50% of households), we tend to ascribe greater negative impact to the latter. Consequently, verbal abuse accounts for less than 10% of cases reported to Child Protective Services for investigation. Nonetheless, to a child, cruel words, name-calling and rejection by a parent, teacher or coach, not to mention peers, can leave scars that, while not always obvious on the surface, are clearly observable in the brain.

“What should I do?” Alice wondered, worried that broaching the subject would alienate her daughter-in-law, who might restrict her access to the grandchildren. This is a valid concern. As a psychotherapist, I’ve encountered many instances where the little ones became ropes in a mental tug-of-war between their parents and grandparents. However, remaining silent increases the risk that verbally abused children will pay a lifelong psychological and social price.

After considerable deliberation, coaching and rehearsing on how to deliver her message, Alice spoke with her son and his wife. It was testy at first, but after these parents had time to think it over, the intervention paid off. The daughter-in-law recognized she was depressed and taking out her discontent on the children, so she agreed to some counseling, and she and her husband attended a positive parenting program. Even after a parent cleans up their act in this regard, once subjected to verbal abuse, it takes time for children to regain trust and a sense of emotional safety. The wounds heal, but slowly, and regression to the prior pattern of verbal abuse can cause an irreparable breach in the relationship. Attachment disorders, and all the dysfunction they can create, are too often the result.

Sadly, in conducting such interventions some concerned grandparents or other worried family don’t fare as well as Alice. Many simply remain silent, look the other way and hope the situation will improve somehow. But doing nothing should not be an option. As Holocaust survivor and activist Eli Wiesel said: “I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

For more, visit philipchard.com.