Photo illustration by Melissa Johnston
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, right now I’m, still on hold with the unemployment-compensation crowd. It’s been at least about a couple, three months and a focking half by now, and the hell if I’m going to put the phone down and lose my well-earned place in line; so I’ll have to peck away at this essay one-handed. Could take some time, not to mention that the repetitive “hold music” is making me more than a bit queasy. I wonder if they ever tried this tactic with the terrorists down by Guantanamo. Cripes, at this point, I’ll confess to anything just to bring this ordeal to a close, what the fock.
So I hear there’s a presidential election coming up like a bad burrito and that there’s ongoing wonderment over whether or not those pesky Red Commie Russians are trying to gum up the works, again, so that their orange-haired boy lands a second term as commander-of-grief.
Now, from a historical perspective, this is what I can tell you about that, which is to remind you’s about how the other year I stumbled upon a re-broadcast of the old The Dick Cavett Show. One of the guests was the great political satirist Mort Sahl (still with us at age 93). And here’s a quote by Mort from March 3, 1972, a few days after Dick Nixon’s return from his China jaunt:
“The only way a Republican can be elected in this country, in my opinion, when the people are in their right minds, is if the Communists select him. The Republicans should be very glad that there are Communists around the world who will elect Republicans by embracing them.” Shazam!
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And for those Republicans who think President Orange Circus Peanut is the greatest thing since President Orange Hair, Mort could tell you this: “Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth, and Reagan couldn’t tell the difference.” Ba-ding!
So, as we approach our Nov. 3 destination for what I’ll bet you a buck two eighty will surely be a goddamn hard landing, I am sure that our cheerless leader, Donald J(ackass) Trumpel-thinskin, will ramp up his claims-for-credit for things he had abso-focking-lutely nothing to do with. He’s done it umpteen times in the past, such as “his” successful college SAT score when he actually had someone else mark up the test for him. And his claim from a couple, three weeks or more when he came to Kenosha (“Gateway to Raymond”), Wis., and said, “If I didn’t INSIST on having the National Guard activate and go into Kenosha, there would be no Kenosha right now… ”
Okey-dokey Pinocchio, except it was the governor and the Emergency Management Assistance Compact that were responsible for the National Guard’s turn on the stage, not you, Mr. Pants-on-Fire.
I can already imagine the bullshit accomplishments that the Orange Circus Peanut will claim as his own during this final month of the campaign:
- Signing the Magna Carta: “Many people are saying the greatest Carta ever, many people”;
- Managing the Washington Nationals to be World Series champions in 2019;
- Building the Great Wall of China;
- Orchestrating Pamela Anderson’s boob job;
- Winning a gold medal at the Olympics for something, whenever and wherever that was;
- Discovering the Northwest Passage: “Very big passage, very big, lot of people don’t know that”;
But I do know of a couple accomplishments that Humpty Dumbty will not claim:
- Strangulation of American democracy;
- People in the streets protesting the strangulation of American democracy.
Additional Fact: It’s my job to speak the unspeakable, think the unthinkable, make up the unmakeable and lege the illegible, not yours—and don’t forget to VOTE—’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
