The Many Ways of Being 'Holier-Than-Thou'

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If your personality leans toward humility and a “live and let live” attitude, you may find one type of human particularly disappointing, if not insufferable.

Holier-than-thou types.

This proved true with Marie’s co-workers and even some members of her family. This prim, proper 40-something professional came across as self-righteous and highly critical of others. So, when she and her husband sought couples counseling, this issue was front and center. “My wife has many fine qualities, but humility is not among them,” he told me. “She acts like she’s morally superior to others.”

“I do not feel morally superior,” she shot back. “I just don’t have a very high opinion of people in general.”

While financially successful in her career, Marie’s penchant for judging and criticizing others was decidedly off-putting at work. Her colleagues did their best to avoid interacting with her, fearing they would elicit a preachy response. After deciding to resign following one too many of these “I know better” episodes, an important contributor on Marie’s work team confronted her head-on.

“She told me I was arrogant,” Marie admitted. “But, the fact is, most of my co-workers lack my years of experience; when I become critical, I’m not trying to be disrespectful. I’m just trying to help the organization succeed.”

I found one of Marie’s comments very revealing (“I don’t have a high opinion of people in general”). This phrase points to the underlying mindset of many sanctimonious souls and is central to understanding their perspective. The common assumption is that folks like Marie feel morally superior to others, that they delude themselves into believing their ethical values and standards of behavior rise well above the madding crowd. However, in a variation on the glass-half-empty metaphor, they actually see themselves as “less evil” than others, rather than more saintly and irreproachable.

At first glance, this seems like a semantic sleight of mind, but the distinction is important. When you set a low bar for others, it’s easier to rise above it.

“So, you don’t see yourself as a superior human being,” I suggested. “Rather, you feel all people are flawed, including you, but that your imperfections are below the collective average.”

She agreed. When it came to human frailties and failings, in her own mind, Marie was not saintly so much as she was less hobbled than others. Why? Because of one central distinction—intentions. In evaluating others, folks with her mindset rely heavily on an “inside perspective,” meaning they judge themselves by assigning positive or constructive motives to their behavior (“I’m just trying to help the organization succeed”).

However, they don’t extend the same positive intent to those around them. In evaluating others, they adopt an “outside perspective,” one based solely on observing another person’s actions without any corresponding effort to understand the motives behind them. So, if a colleague made a mistake, Marie focused entirely on the miscue without considering that individual’s intentions.

Consequently, one antidote for self-righteousness involves expanding one’s awareness of what drives the actions of others. Not always, but often, when folks like Marie make respectful inquiries in this regard, they discover similarities between their motives and intentions and those of the people they criticize.

There are plenty of instances where one means well but ends up not behaving well. Good intentions don’t excuse bad behavior, but they do cast it in a different light—one that folks like Marie need to recognize if they want to stop coming across as holier-than-thou. “If you understood your colleagues’ motives, you might have a more favorable and less critical view of their actions,” I told her.

Unless proven otherwise, the mantra here is, “assume good intentions.” More often than not, you’ll find them.

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