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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen: Here’s a “newsy bit” to start your day (with respect to the late, great columnist Alex Thien from the Milwaukee Sentinel) or afternoon, evening or late-night-depression episode:

Is Our Universe a Black Hole? New Cosmological Model Challenges the Big Bang (msn.com)

If you’re a guy or gal who’s into Big Bang universe theories—and who isn’t—the above link/read is for you’s. Yours truly has been drawn into “black hole” schmutz since my bank “savings” account for my so-called “golden years” may soon become one, courtesy of Ascension’s grab on Columbia/St. Mary’s cents of health care.

And just so you know, this top-of-October week, I got some reading assignments for you’s bedeviled by a curious mind, a curious mind that perhaps led you to this page.

Like how ’bout this from Live Science: 

The universe had a secret life before the Big Bang, new study hints

(A secret life? What the fock, like one a married guy concealed but then was revealed during the divorce proceedings?)

Read on, readers:

msn.com/en-us/news/technology/the-universe-had-a-secret-life-before-the-big-bang-new-study-hints/ar-AA1pMFGZ

(Cripes, I apologize, that’s some kind of a hefty what-they-call “link” here in this time’s modern world, you think?)

Teaser for you’s that have the wherewithal to what they call “copy and paste” the above schmutz:

The Big Bang may not have been the beginning of the universe…

So… wait… then… when… what the fock?

Reminds me of a little scientific physics riddle that goes something like this:

Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything. Ba-ding!

“Make up everything,” which reminds me of a presidential candidate running, and running toward the White House and from the law, on a ticket provided by the ferkakta Republican “party.”

And about these vice-presidential candidates. As I nodded off later in their debate the other night toward what would become a restless sleep, I believe I heard traversing the spiral of my left ear, this, from Tim Walz (the Democrat guy, full disclosure for you’s not paying complete patriotic attention):

“If you're listening tonight and you want billionaires to get tax cuts… How is it fair that you’re paying your taxes every year and Donald Trump hasn’t paid any federal tax in the last 15 years?”

Hey, you tell me.

And then I’ll tell you that as an occasionally impartial observer of the world’s woes, I might suggest that these nutbag Republican types might consider using truth as a weapon rather than a flag pole, you think?

Anyways, I’m all akimbo these days given the state of our world’s trials and travails. But I hear that self-help advice is quite in demand, given these “troubling times.” So what the fock, here’s some random thoughts off the top of my lid, free of charge, that you may practically find of use given what I imagine is your own crappy state of affairs:

Work of the Future

—Are you one to look over your shoulder or one who looks forward? There are those, like philosopher Alfred E. Neuman, who prefer to live in the past because the rents are always cheaper. But then there are those, like myself, who prefer to look toward the future where surely one day they will find a cure for having to work for a living. What’s the hold up, I’d like to know?

—Don’t work harder. Work less, especially if you’re getting paid for it. You’ll live longer.

—Motivation: It is more lucrative to bullshit about making a living than actually going out and earning one.

—Joe Blow Knobshine will swallow anything, and the more you charge, the more he swallows.

—The soothsayer will always predict a bright future for you that shall begin as soon as he secures your credit card number.

—The future’s always here before you know it, gosh darn it. If you have not prepared, you will get caught with your pants down, trip, and crack your head open as you flee the inevitable. Don’t sweat the future. Keep your pants on and tomorrow takes care of itself.

Furry Companionship

House pets—they don’t drink, the don’t smoke, don’t gamble. No wonder they don’t live that long—heck, who’d want to?

—Animals belong either in the woods or on a menu, but not in my living room going nuts trying to get at something that rolled or crawled under the sofa. Until they put a house pet on the market that can operate a microwave, flush a toilet and acquire a valid chauffeur’s license, you can forget about me having something with four legs in my dinky apartment besides a coffee table, what the fock.

Relaxation

If golf is as exciting as watching paint dry, fishing is like listening to it dry.

—Fish make me think that maybe evolution isn’t all it’s cracked up to be after all. Thousands and thousands of years of swimming around and taking a bite out of the first thing they see, you’d think fish would be extinct by now, ain’a? They eat worms. What do fish know from worms?

Worms live in the ground, fish live in the water. Please tell me what possibly could be going through a fish’s head, besides absolutely nothing, to just go take a chunk out of something they’ve never seen before. That kind of behavior does not strike me as the kind that fosters survival for eons, let alone a day.

Consider the consequences if you or me were to be walking down the boulevard and out of the clear blue saw some brown stuff we never saw before, so the first thing we did was take a big honking bite out of it, like a fish from a worm. The Homo sapien as a species in general would’ve been in the crapper years ago by now and God’s universe would be even more a lonely place than it already is, you betcha.

And finally, thankfully, a snippet of conversation I had with my buddy Little Jimmy Iodine over by the Uptowner Tavern/Charm School the other week:

“Is it true that when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you?” Jimmy asked.

“Jimmy,” I said, “there’s no way to know for certain. Sure would like to think so, though. Hey, what’s the harm in trying, ain’a? What the fock,” ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.