Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And so another holiday season has come to a close—for most of you’s, but not for me, no sir. As I’ve said many times, many ways before, for a guy like me everyday’s just another focking holiday, I kid you not. And I can honestly tell you that I’m not bashful to invoke the lord-to-some’s name as I celebrate my daily focking holidays, to wit: “Jesus H. Christ, where the hell is the goddamn bus?” “For Christ sakes you got to be jerking beefaroni. You want how much for that focking cheeseburger?”
So listen, here we be, first essay of what’s sure to be darn tootin’ another furshlugginer year, oy vey, you betcha.
I hope your holiday season went smoothier than my did. Cripes, on one of those holy nights I stumbled and fell to my knees (big-time “ouch”!) just as Little Jimmy Iodine brought his traditional ring baloney to the table for us wise-ass guys gathered ’round to feast upon over by his place.
I got to tell you, it was a night not so divine, until, as I reclined to soothe my pain upon Jimmy’s knock-off Lay-Z-Boy (acquired at no cost from a back alley dumpster somewheres), I began my slow physical recovery, but my soul serenely beamed and rejoiced as Herbie brought to me a tub-full of hot focking toddies—much more appreciated than a slab of frankincense, I kid you not.
Anyways, for you long-time readers, in regard to my ages-long annual much-ballyhooed Look Back/Watch Out Ahead gala essay, you’ll need to wait and click on Art K’s January 2025 essay, “From the City That Always Sweeps,” soon to be on your favorite site: shepherdexpress.com.
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But here’s a tease:
The Year 2024: Hold on, who’s president, again? Sucked, abso-focking-lutely.
Watch Out Ahead, 2025: Will suck, even more, as we make extinction of “advanced” life-forms a thing again.
And speaking of 2024, here’s a newsy bit for you’s from its tail end by way of cnn.com/2024/12/29/us/washington-forest-death-sasquatch:
2 Oregon men die from exposure in a forest after they went out to look for Sasquatch
Here, a snippet from the story, just to enlighten you’s who may be uninformed:
“Sasquatch is a folkloric beast thought by some to roam the forests, particularly in the Pacific Northwest.”
And have I mentioned that our soon-to-be overlord Trumpel-thinskin desires to demolish the Department of Education?
And speaking of a Big Foot, here’s a little story to kick-start your new year:
Jesus took bread, and after blessing it broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said: “Take, eat; this is my body. Do this to remember me.”
Later, after the supper he took the cup of wine said: “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. Do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.”
Finally, Jesus produced a cask of mayonnaise. Opened it and said: “This is my…”
But Peter held up his hand and said: “Cripes, Jesus, good lord this is where we draw the line!” Bading!
And so I pray that you have not been a fool’s fool and made a declaration of any of those ferkakta New Year’s resolutions. As I am obligated to mention each and every year: Resolutions are for quitters, and quitters never win. So don’t be a loser. Screw all those New Year’s resolutions and be a winner, capiche?
But before I go, I should mention that for Christmas, I received a nice little story from my buddy Little Jimmy Iodine, but I already had it so I thought I’d re-gift it to you, ’cause what the fock. Here, try it on:
So on Christmas morning this cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on a shiny new Schwinn. Cop says to the kid, “That’s a very nice bicycle you’ve got there. Did Santa bring that for you?”
The kid replies, “You bet, officer.” And the cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.”
The cop decides to give the kid a lesson for Christmas and proceeds to issue a $20 bicycle-safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket, wishes the cop a merry Christmas but before he rides off says, “By the way, officer, that’s a nice horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Upholding the spirit of the season, the cop says, “Yes son, he sure did.”
And the kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the focking asshole at the back-end of the horse instead of on top, would you?” Ba-ding!
Yeah yeah, I wish you’s all a happy new year—hey, at my age I still like to think anything’s possible, what the fock, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told
