Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen: Good news! I may have stumbled upon some explodingly comforting scientific/medical late-breaking information for those of us aging you’s and me still searching for the Golden Fleece aka “The Golden Years”
It is this, says the headline, which sounds good to me, can’t wait to pass this on to my recently introduced oncologist, I kid you not:
Death Doesn't Exist And May Just Be An Illusion, According To Quantum Physics
Extra! Extra! Read all about it, all here:
Hey, sounds good to me, ain’a? Guess I’ll cancel my down payment for low-cost cremation services from an outfit I found on the internet somewheres: “Burn Baby Burn,” what the fock.
And speaking of extinction, if you got a yen to read something other than the palaver I’m peddling here and now, try this on for size, would you:
(Subhead spoiler alert: An unexpected killing mechanism. A phrase that should be included in every top-paragraph obit I’ve ever read, you think?)
cnn.com/2023/10/30/americas/asteroid-dust-dinosaur-extinction-photosynthesis-scn
Anyways, what with the school days back on the docket for our youth, I surely do hope that the Badger State educational standards for our young Einsteins includes those grim Grimm brothers’ fairy tales for the learning. The cat’s pajamas, if not bee’s knees, they were for me back when I was an occasional attendee at Our Lady In Pain That You Kids Are Going Straight to Hell But Not Soon Enough.
And so now would be the time to again recall that once upon a time, shortly after Dr. Seuss drew his last amazing breath on Sept. 24, 1994, and left us for the big Whoville in somewheres in the Universe surely, I recalled reading the good-doing Doctor’s books to young beloveds and thinking how I sure would like to get ahold of whatever it was that guy was on ’cause he certainly had the pipeline to the good stuff, what the fock.
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I recalled that my favorite reading is kid books. There’s pictures. They’re never long enough to get boring. It doesn’t take you a day and a focking half just to read one tiny printed Tolystoy-vian page of pure eyeball strain. Sure, they’re a little light on the sex parts, but you can’t have everything. And you also don’t get depressed the same as reading a regular adult book about some miserable knob when you realize no matter how wretched this jag gets in the story, he’s still better off than you are.
That’s because reality sucks big time, no if ands or butts, doubts or questions about it, no sir. But kids, from Day One get read a dream-stream full of talking dragons, magic lamps, magic carpets, secret passageways, guys who can see for miles and they think, “Yes! What a groovy world of ours this is.” And then quicker than you can say “Sam I Am” things take a turn, a dive, a spill and it’s “Sam, what’s with the sham?” Oh boy oh boy, kids get geared for living in cool castles with the mega-babe princess or prince and a boatload of wishes, and then—KABOOM! Instead of “…happily ever after,” it’s “Chapters 5 through 132 by Monday… Get a job… Your application has not been accepted… We also found something with the suspension… Due to an increase in our cost for materials… The doctor called, the results came back, she wants to see you immediately…” Focking swell.
So of course, kids hate school ’cause by that age they’re getting a pretty good clue as to the low lowdown, don’t like it one bit and I can’t blame them. Yeah, “growing up”—the polite way of saying “getting the focking shaft sideways,” ain’a?
When the kids learn there’s no castles, no prince/princess babes, no bag-o’-wishes, the first thing they do is turn on a drug. Maybe our kids would be better off if we read to them tractor manuals or 1040 long-form instructions instead of this jive about Oobleck and giants. Yes sir, that might maybe cut down on some of that ol’ imagination, but hey, when was the last time you ever read a help-wanted ad that said, “Only the imaginative need apply”?
Okey-doke. Gotta go. Life may be shorter than I imagined, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
