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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I sincerely hope you all took a bit of time out of what I assume to be busy day last blustery Tuesday to fire up your democracy driven ass and get on over by your well-maintained political polling joint so’s to make sure you got your foot in the door to prevent it closing on truth, justice and some kind of American Way, what the fock.

I did not shine around the Downtown Zeidler building on Tuesday, April 2, so’s to officially cast my ballot druthers. No sir. I went and did the “vote early” from the previous week on a weather-wise pleasant day, ’cause I suspected that April begins on a day for fools, and I chose not to be one, for a change—welcome to Wisconsin where April means summer is just a handful of months ahead.

So, I’m early voting (do not fear you ferkakta focking Republicans, it’s a legal thing, it’s a thing you might want to investigate as soon as you investigate how the hell you will pull your head from out your ignorant white fascist ass and notice there’s a pleasant blue sky above).

But here’s the thing, I get to the presidential ballot part and I find that there is no candidate named Art Kumbalek, so that the smart-thinking voter is denied his/her/them/there/we/together/us to vote for a Eugene V. Debs kind-of guy like me.

I guess I ought to figure a way to do such a thing with the signatures required and what-not. Maybe I need to raise some dough to get my name out there for the generally rational public to chew on. I’ve been running for president of the United States since 1986 and as far as I can tell, I’ve yet to garner a single nary vote. Perhaps a wise financial maneuver to boost my campaign war chest would be to invest in the Powerball/Mega Million come-get-it free money. 

Without the necessary financial funding from some kind of billionaire nutjob (aren’t there any of these on the Democrat side because sure-as-shooting they got a boatload of these crackerjacks on the fascist side of things) for TV ads and such, apparently my message(s) seem not to able to reach the cauliflower ears of the great unwashed public I kid you not

And at best, a tenth-party candidate, who’d you like to see rest his aching feet atop that desk in the Oval Office, wannabe informed voters may inquire as to the whereabouts of my candidational message(s).

Thanks for asking.

Numero uno: I propose we give focking Texas back to Mexico (fock those Cowboys). Numero dos: Florida goes back to Spain—half the state is going to be underwater in 50 years anyways, so what the fock. Number three: Ship out South (“Secession a specialty”) Carolina to whomever will take them. Number four: Idaho is returned to Native American sovereignty and all the white supremacists who have harbored in the Gem State receive a one-way ticket to Alcatraz.

And that’s what I will do on Day One of the Kumbalek administration, my fellow Americans.

Day Two, I’ll probably take a break from all the hullabaloo, have a nice cocktail or three, see what’s in the presidential fridge and maybe watch some TV.

Day Three, I’ll mosey over to the Rose Garden and do some speechifying so’s to remind each and every one that American democracy is “a way of governing which depends on the will of the people.”

And of course, I’ll toss in some quotes from Eugene V. Debs, the historically great American socialist, political activist, trade unionist, sometimes imprisoned and five-time failed candidate for president—got Geno beat there, I’m nine times a failure for the high office—from the pubescent years of the last century before radio, air conditioning and athletic sneakers.

Here’s one quote I’ll toss out:

I am opposing a social order in which it is possible for one man who does absolutely nothing that is useful to amass a fortune of hundreds of millions of dollars, while millions of men and women who work all the days of their lives secure barely enough for a wretched existence.

Amen!

Another:

In every age it has been the tyrant, the oppressor and the exploiter who has wrapped himself in the cloak of patriotism, or religion, or both to deceive and overawe the People.

And my favorite:

Years ago I recognized my kinship with all living things, and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on the earth. I said then and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am in it; while there is a criminal element, I am of it; while there is a soul in prison, I am not free.

God bless some kind of America, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.