Dear Bad Mama

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Dear Ally,

Please help me rebuild the relationship with my daughter. I just visited her family in Minneapolis. Although I love spending time with my grandkids, the downside is that I never get any private time with her. My birthday was coming up and I told her the only thing I wanted was to have lunch with just the two of us. It was great! She never expresses her emotions, but I think it was important to her too. While growing up, she always accused me of favoring her special needs brother. She resented the amount of family resources dedicated to his care. During our lunch, I apologized for that, and she seemed to understand. But later in the weekend, she had an angry outburst, accusing me of things in the past, ending with, “What kind of mother does that?”

I was stunned into silence and still hurt from her harsh words. Will she ever forgive me for my mistakes?

Bad Mama

Dear Bad Mama,

I wish I had comforting words for you. Nothing quite impacts a mother like the unexpected sting of an angry child. You did well by not responding. The last thing we should do in those moments is to remind them of all of the good things we did for them. This approach will only start an argument.  

Your daughter’s childhood experience, as she describes it, was painful. She will continue to bring this up until you validate her feelings. Listening to her is the only thing you can do.     

But there’s good news here for you and her. You mentioned that your daughter is not emotional. The fact that she told you about her disappointment while growing up is actually positive for her personal growth. She felt safe enough with you to express her anger. To me, this means that she still has room in her heart to hope for a better relationship with you. 

Your responsibility as a parent is to listen to your daughter’s experience: what did she need from you while your attention was focused solely on your son? 

I know how overwhelming parenting can be and we all make mistakes. If you really want to move forward with your daughter in an authentic relationship, you must apologize for your wrong decisions.  

Psych Mom online is specific about ways your apology can be meaningful so that your daughter can feel understood.  If I were you, I'd start working on this now, before more time gets in the way. 

Be present to her when you child explains her experience. Empathize with her. If she feels truly heard, only then will you both be able to rebuild the relationship. 

Ask your daughter what you can do to resolve this issue between you. Express to your daughter how badly you feel. If you could do it all over again, you would have paid more attention to her feelings. You can apologize for your lack of understanding and how favoring her brother may have affected her. 

Psych Mom states that “when the parent admits their mistake, the child can calm down because her hurt feelings are validated. When you truly apologize, you can admit your embarrassment at doing this at her expense. Then a conversation can begin to bring the parent and child closer together.”

Once your daughter’ss feelings are validated, she can let go of the negative memories and begin to remember more happy times. 

Tell her you love her. After you finish your apology, please do not expect things to go smoothly right away. Your daughter will not thank you or give you a big hug. But now you can truly start a new beginning with her. 

Be Brave. You can do this. We are all behind you. 

Ally