Ask Ally
Dear Ally,
My son has been an alcoholic and drug addict since 2014. In and out of detox, rehab centers and sober living houses, he’s learned a lot about himself, his friends and his triggers. I’ve learned a lot too. This process has taught me that I’m co-dependent, putting others’ needs in front of my own. This causes me to enable my son, instead of helping him heal.
I’m in the process of realizing that the only way I can love him is to give him the dignity of his own choices. That’s the hardest part and I’m still working my way through it.
After a lot of pain, car-wrecks and near death; he is finally sober. He has found the right NA meetings of his peers and a support system that truly understands his struggles.
Enter the girlfriend, who is 18 and engages with everything that “normal” teenagers do, including alcohol. She’s starting college in another state in the fall and wants him to go with her. In order to do that, he will need to leave his job, NA group and his valued support team.
He has worked hard to reach his sobriety and is maturing into a kind, respectful and responsible young adult. From my viewpoint, he’s willing to give all of that up to help his girlfriend get through college.
Her parents are against their relationship, because of his addictive background. They’ve threatened that if she continues to stay in a relationship with him, they will no longer financially support her. As a result, they sneak around in order to see one another.
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It’s a no-win situation for him and their future as a couple. He has not asked my thoughts on his decision, but I know, deep in my heart that he’s making a huge mistake.
I just can’t go through another relapse.
What do I do?
Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
My heart goes out to you. Parents of addicted children must endure a hell that few can understand. Your parental role requires you to operate counter-intuitively. It forces you to put yourself and your own well-being first. This is crazy-making for every parent who believes their primary responsibility is to protect their children from harm. And a double whammy for Moms, whose instinct is to be the Mama Bear, making sure her cub is safe and happy.
It’s a difficult journey. Very difficult, even for the most educated parents about addiction.
You wrote that you always tried to give your son the power of his own choices. Parenting would be so much easier if we could save our children from their major mistakes. But, if that were possible, how would they learn valuable life lessons?
I understand that the stakes are high here, but it’s much bigger than your son’s sobriety. Your life is at stake here too. Co-dependency will kill you. It will exhaust you and hurt your heart while keeping you from needed sleep. Co-dependency will also ruin your healthy relationships.
If you are co-dependent in one part of your life, look for it in other parts as well.
When we feel afraid, we try to control. But deep in our hearts, we know that we cannot control another person’s actions, no matter how hard we try.
Try to remember one of the first things you were taught in your early days of learning about co-dependency and addiction:
“I didn’t cause it.”
“I can’t control it.”
“I can’t cure it.”
Your son has the right to make his own decisions about his life. You can’t stop him. You have that right as well.
Take care of yourself and your own life. Know that your son will learn his life lessons his own way, on his own terms and in his own time. Worry less and love yourself more.
Sending you lots of support on your difficult journey,
