It Takes Two to Create a Toxic Relationship

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Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

I wrote to you in your last column. (“Ready to Give Up”) You gave me such excellent advice, that I wanted to give you an update. 

With your recommendation, I decided to go through therapy. But at the therapist’s suggestion, I decided to try it alone first, rather than go right into couples counseling. I needed to figure out my silence and deference to my husband. Why wasn’t I able to stand up for myself? Why was I so afraid of conflict? 

The therapist asked me what my role was in creating the tension in our marriage. She stressed that none of us are innocent, and it takes two parties to create a toxic relationship. 

I learned that because of my dysfunctional childhood, I was not taught how to set boundaries. Once I started learning how important boundaries can be to my overall well-being, it became easier to confront my husband and his criticism of me. I must admit, I was triggered initially and yelled too much. That would always start a big blow-out. 

Over time, I improved, lowered my voice and started talking to my husband in a more conversational tone. As a result, he became aware of his behavior. Like I said in the last column, neither of use feels seen or heard in our relationship.The last time, I pointed out his judgements of me, he thanked me. This small gesture sent me a message that my partner wanted to improve and grow too. I hadn’t known that before.

My therapist recommended that before we start couples counseling, it would benefit both of us if my husband try individual therapy first. That way, he could learn more about himself. We’re in that process now and are both feeling hopeful about our relationship. Thank you Ally. Your column really helped me and my family.  

Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,

It’s wonderful to hear from you. Your therapist sounds excellent and is giving you great advice. Learning how to set boundaries is key to self-growth. To strengthen this important process, you also need to learn about self-care. Self-care means different things to different people. It’s taking care of your emotional, physical or spiritual needs. The most important aspect of self-care is learning how to connect and develop a relationship with yourself.

You’re already on your way to learning about self-care. In today’s letter, you mentioned with pride that you’re learning how to stand up for yourself with your partner. After some practice, you can now speak to him, in a decent voice, and let him know that his comments hurt you. That’s self-care.  When you first wrote, you had already learned that your husband’s mean remarks didn’t feel good. Something inside of you woke up and sounded the alarm. You could no longer tolerate the toxicity in your relationship.  That’s self-care.

I used to think that self-care was getting a massage or taking a bubble-bath. It certainly can be, but it’s so much more. It starts with taking the time to experience the quiet and becoming comfortable in silence. There you can listen to yourself and what you need. You can start by spending 5-10 minutes alone each day. When you embrace this stillness and listen to its call, you will begin to treat yourself as you would your best friend—with love and respect. You will feel at home. 

Maybe you need a walk in the park, a coffee with a friend or maybe it’s as simple as eating more vegetables, because pizza and burgers aren’t the healthiest diet. 

Self-care can be incorporating more music in your everyday life or binging on your favorite Netflix series. It’s only for you. And here’s the best part:  you don’t have to justify it or explain it to anybody. 

Experts say that if you can identify three things that bring you joy every day, you’re on your way to creating a good life. Self-care is the best way to find joy in your life. Once that happens, you are putting your best self forward. 

Here’s to finding more joy!

Ally