When Listening is the Biggest Gift

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Ask Ally

Dear Ally,

It’s the New Year.

New Year. New Problem!

I still can’t believe it. Joan, my wife of 30 years wants to move out of the city to Elm Grove, “where it’s quieter.” What? The idea of moving threw me off completely. What happened to making decisions together? Me, move to the suburbs? I’m a City Guy, now bracing for a big blowout. But that comes natural to our marriage.  

When the kids were growing up, we’d easily disagree on screen time, curfews and their friends. Once they moved out of the house, we fought over typical couple stuff: sex and money. We went to see a pretty good therapist. Joan claimed I never listened to her. With the therapist’s instructions, I practiced active listening, rather than rushing to solve her problems. I can’t help it that I’m a guy sometimes. But I try not to do that anymore, and we’ve been getting along much better. Joan even noticed and complimented me. But now this? I have no idea where she’s coming from or even why she wants to move at all. 

All I know is that I’m a City Guy and have no intention of moving. This is our home. Besides, one set of grandkids live here, and we need to be part of their lives. Most of our friends are here too. How do we fix this?

City Guy

Dear City Guy,

I’m afraid you’ve jumped to the conclusion before you have all of the information. 

You didn’t mention any of your ideas about why she wanted to move. “Quiet” doesn’t tell us much. It gives us an idea of the neighborhood she prefers, but nothing about her need to move. If we think of moving as a possible symbol of your marriage, what changes does it suggest? 

I’m confident that a deeper discussion will lead both of you to talk about your commitment to your marriage and what changes are needed to strengthen it. This is the time, City Guy, to ask Joan all kinds of questions. Make sure your tone of voice is gentle and without blame or judgement. It’s also the time to genuinely try to understand her perspective, without advancing your own. As I’m sure your therapist warned, this isn’t the time for finding solutions. This is the time to better understand Joan’s reasons for wanting to move. The biggest gift you can give her right now is your listening. Can you do that again?

Possible questions to ask her are: 

Your idea to move to Elm Grove comes as quite a surprise to me. Help me understand your process of coming to this choice. I’d really like to understand it. (Hint: the best thing you can do is avoid starting the question with Why. This often puts people on the defensive, creating an even bigger barrier to authentic communication. Always remember that your priority here is to better understand Joan’s perspective.)

Once you have asked, just listen, without interrupting, for as long as it takes. 

Follow-up questions could be: 

• I’m a bit confused about your timing and coming to this decision on your own.  Would you like my feedback? 
• You’ve talked about how much you enjoy being a grandmother, how will an Elm Grove move impact that?

Before you talk to Joan, take a brisk hike in nature to clear your head, open your heart and chase away any fear. Create space in your head, to develop an authentic curious mindset. Most importantly, if true, tell her how important your life with her is and how you’d like to continue the journey together. After she’s completely done talking, you can be honest and share your feelings about why you want to stay in the city. Who knows?  Maybe it’s as simple as finding a different house in a quieter neighborhood.

My sense is that a compromise will organically present itself once total honesty is revealed. 

Good luck City Guy! We’ll be standing on the sidelines to support you and Joan. Let us know how it goes at: AskAlly@shepex.com

Remember, a successful relationship nurtures independence for both parties. Anne Truitt says it best: “Love … is the honoring of others in a way that grants them the grace of their own autonomy.”

Here for you,

Ally