Philip Chard's Out of My Mind column is sponsored by AllWriters' Workplace & Workshop, which offers online classes in all genres and abilities of creative writing, as well as coaching and editing services. You can read past columns here.
“How do you talk to somebody who lives in a different reality?” Connie asked.
She wasn’t referring to folks suffering a psychotic break but, rather, those in her family who embrace opinions to hell and gone from her own. Navigating the so-called culture wars of our body politic is no small feat, as many of us can attest.
“My brother is a climate and COVID denier and a big MAGA guy. Because he knows I’m not, he comes at me with both barrels. He says I’m a bleeding heart, and I’ve called him a wingnut,” she lamented.
Connie doesn’t want to cut him off at the mental knees nor terminate their relationship, but her efforts to keep the peace have proven futile. “I’ve tried avoiding those subjects, but he brings them into almost every conversation. There’s no reasoning with this guy,” she added.
“He probably feels the same way about you,” I suggested.
Whether the clash involves complete strangers screaming slurs at each other or family members huffing and puffing across the supper table, most of us have experienced this “I can’t talk to them!” scenario. Opinions constitute a core aspect of one’s identity, so when they are attacked, we feel attacked. The result is usually hefty doses of emotional hijacking, closed minds and bitter rhetoric.
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Conflict resolution gurus tout a number of methods for lowering our psychological weapons, finding common ground and engaging in genuine discussions rather than interpersonal food fights. I’ve cherry-picked those tactics most likely to succeed. Note the term “most likely.” When it comes to ideological exchanges, there are no panaceas, just best efforts. Here are some steps to follow:
- Listen: This may be the toughest step, but vitally important. Center your body and breathe deeply (helps us remain calm) while the other person states their viewpoint. Don’t interrupt and don’t interject your opinion (yet). This shows respect, which is critical for rational, civil discourse.
- Ask questions: Rather than responding right away with your perspective or criticism of theirs, ask the other person open-ended questions, like “Why do you feel that way?” and “How did you come to that conclusion?” This displays interest rather than opposition, and, often, it unbalances folks expecting a verbal wrestling match.
- Restate what you heard: By restating your grasp of the other person’s view, and asking them to confirm or clarify what you gleaned, you build an interpersonal bridge. Even when opinions don’t align, shared understanding provides a way to respectfully disagree.
- Say what you learned: If the other person disclosed an idea that was new or that you hadn’t previously considered, say so. For example: “You know that point you made about X? Well, I never thought of it that way.” This demonstrates your openness to alternative ideas, narrowing the ideological chasm.
- Share your viewpoint: Respectfully highlight where your perspectives diverge. State how you came to your opinion. This shows confidence, meaning you’re willing to consider competing ideas, but you’re not a pushover.
- Model doubt: If you want your adversary to question their beliefs, then question some aspect of your own. For example: “I’ve wondered if X might be exaggerated, so I’ll look for more information.” By softening or qualifying your position, you encourage the other person to do the same.
- Don’t debate: If your adversary vehemently attacks your viewpoint, listen but don’t debate. If necessary, make a summary statement, such as, “The best we can do is agree to disagree.” The idea here is not to win an argument but, rather, to sow seeds of doubt or curiosity in your counterpart. If you succumb to a heated debate, that bridge you’ve been building will collapse.
- Close respectfully: Thank the other person for the discussion and make a closing statement, like “Although we don’t agree, I appreciate sharing our viewpoints.” Take the high road. Your counterpart may not like your opinions, but they will probably respect you, setting the stage for more discussing and less proselytizing in the future.
It’s been said that those who make reasoned discussions impossible make emotional escalation and discord inevitable. Don’t be among them.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
Philip Chard's Out of My Mind column is sponsored by AllWriters' Workplace & Workshop, which offers online classes in all genres and abilities of creative writing, as well as coaching and editing services. You can read past columns here.
