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Social rejections
“I’ve been ostracized,” Ellen told me, tearing up.
A decade-long member of a small and tight knit group of friends, she suddenly found herself persona non grata. The decision to cast her out was orchestrated by Tina, the alpha female of this klatch, someone she had considered a close friend and confidant.
“To say I was shocked is a gross understatement,” she reported. “Over the years, I was there to support Tina through her divorce, then a job loss and, just last year, a health crisis. I always had her back.”
“Do you know why she turned on you?” I asked.
Ellen’s attempts to get a straight answer to that question proved futile. Tina ended their final conversation by coldly stating that the “cost benefit ratio” for maintaining their friendship was no longer sufficient, but she never provided a clear rationale, leaving Ellen to ruminate about “Why?”
Empty Talk
The other members of this social confab told Ellen they wished to remain friends, but it proved mostly empty talk. Many of her invitations to socialize were turned aside with lame excuses, and when meetings did occur, there was a decided emotional chill in the air. Ellen imagined that Tina had not only kicked her to the curb but also poisoned the well.
“I’ve been surprised by how painful this has been,” she told me.
I was not. For most of us, social rejection proves among the more intense emotional wounds one can suffer. In fact, research shows ostracism can be more distressing and wreak greater psychological damage than bullying, intimidation or harassment. More than a few suicides, many by children and teens, can be attributed to this social tar and feathering, much of it exacerbated by social media.
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“Two things are at work here,” I told her. “Being rejected is one thing, and that’s bad enough, but when you aren’t given a plausible reason, that makes it far worse.”
Studies show emotional suffering, whatever the source, is exacerbated by not knowing why it is happening. One’s distress seems meaningless and unjust. If Ellen had been afforded a rational explanation for being cast out, her hurt would have been somewhat easier to bear.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this,” she lamented, and rightfully so.
Move On?
If you’ve ever had one or more of the important people in your life cast you out into the interpersonal cold while also failing to provide a cogent explanation for doing so, you realize how challenging it is to let go and move on. In her struggle to cope, Ellen ping-ponged between trying to forgive and practice compassion and feeling consumed with anger and bitterness. She recognized that resentment is a self-inflicted wound that only amplifies one’s suffering but was unable to transcend it.
As social animals, being ostracized stabs at the heart of foundational human needs, such as belonging and acceptance, and it undermines self-esteem. This causes myriad ill effects, including depression, grief, bitterness and even an inflammatory reaction in the body, and these impacts can persist for long periods of time.
“What can I do?” Ellen pondered.
“You can find someone else who has been shunned and include that person in your life,” I suggested.
And she did. Ellen befriended someone in her workplace who was excluded for her unconventional appearance, and then another from her church who was ostracized by the other congregants for what they perceived as her moral failures. In helping them salve their respective emotional trauma, she experienced some healing of her own.
Gradually, Ellen developed a mindset described by Oprah Winfrey, who said, “I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me.” An attitude that may sound cold, but one with the best odds of moving past the deep wound of social rejection.
