Parenting is a Sacrifice

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Father and toddler walking up hill

Katie and Jason were on the cusp of one of life’s more momentous decisions but wavering in the face of their shared ambivalence.

“We’re thinking about starting a family but have our doubts, so we want to be sure,” Katie told me.

“Thinking family is not the same as wanting family,” I suggested, picking at her terms. “And even if you really want to have children, your wanting has to be for the right reasons.”

When it comes to whether to bear or adopt progeny, some folks just know. The arc of their lives moves inexorably toward having children, and they never question what they want or, in some instances, what they feel born to become—parents. However, for those on the fence, like Katie and Jason, the decision often pivots on their predictive imaginings about what it would be like to have kids. And these “What if?” scenarios are often a confusing mishmash of hopes and fears. So, I do my best to be clear about one thing.

Sobering Fact

“Parenthood is a sacrifice,” I told them. “And before you think about being a mom or dad, I encourage you to embrace that simple but sobering fact. In other words, your ambivalence may be well placed.”

When done well, parenting is largely a selfless act, meaning one must frequently subordinate one’s needs to that of the child or the family overall. In our increasingly narcissistic and entitlement-laden culture, I often hear prospective moms and dads talk about parenting as a form of self-fulfillment or a gateway to happiness. One couple I counseled on this issue said, in so many words, that becoming parents was a way for them to be “fully actualized” as individuals and partners. We’ll see.

Granted, there often are personal rewards associated with being a mom or dad, but these should be recognized for what they are—a fortunate bonus rather than the focus and goal of parenting. When people approach this social contract by thinking mostly about themselves and what they might gain or enjoy, they are missing the point—which is that parents are there for their children, not the other way around. This reality escapes many who are contemplating having kids or wanting that proverbial “happy family” experience. Why? Because it is difficult, if not impossible to comprehend the kinds and degrees of sacrifice parenting can require unless you’ve already done it. It’s another of life’s Catch-22s. You can’t know in advance what you can only know by doing later.    

While contemplating becoming a parent, a colleague of mine once stated she was afraid she might someday regret the decision to do so. “You will,” I told her. Not permanently, at least not in her case, but probably at various intervals. Brief interludes of “What was I thinking?” are not uncommon in parents, nor should they be cause for guilt. These are not statements about how much one loves a child, but simply about one’s humanness and frailties in the face of the enormous challenges of being responsible for another person’s well-being and development. 

“It’s a labor of love,” I told Katie and Jason, “but it’s still a labor.”

The question then becomes, “Is it a labor you wish to accept, knowing you will no longer be the center of your own existence?” Sure, parents should attend to their own needs, as well, and not starve themselves by taking “kids first” to an extreme. A singular emphasis on one’s children has its own perils, for them as well as mom and dad. However, as musical icon Eric Clapton once said, “Until I became a father, it was all about self-obsession. But then I learned exactly what it’s about—being a servant.”

If you’re contemplating having children but don’t feel like “parent” and “servant” are fundamentally synonymous, then don’t go there.

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