“Talking to her always leaves a bitter taste in my mouth,” a client told me, referring to co-parenting exchanges with his former spouse. Another used that same term—“bitter taste”—to describe the aftermath of her heated interactions with family members on the opposite side of her political spectrum.
Yet another said he felt “bitter” toward those who won’t wear masks.
In these instances, and others like them, a ‘bitter taste’ is more than just a metaphor. It’s an apt description for what’s happening inside the psyches and bodies of resentful folks.
With family ruptures, workplace conflicts, social injustice and political divisions running rampant in our society, bitterness has become widespread. Many of us are bitter toward those who embrace opinions divergent from our own, or who mess with our lives, whether close-in, as with family, or at a distance, like politicians.
Political Divisions
Today, political divisions are an incubator for bitterness. For example, liberals score very high on the values of social justice and progressive change. In contrast, conservatives are more inclined to embrace order and tradition. Each group’s stance is a threat to at least one of the other group’s core values. And because our values are key to our sense of self, when they are threatened, we feel under mental assault, angry and, soon enough, bitter.
Well, unsettling research shows the emotional state we call bitterness has profoundly negative impacts on physical as well as mental health. So profound, in fact, that being chronically bitter wreaks a degree of damage on one’s cardiovascular system commensurate with that from smoking. In the body, bitterness acts like a corrosive substance that catalyzes a general inflammatory response, attacking a variety of organs and metabolic processes. Over time, this leads to illnesses, including chronic diseases.
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In other words, bitterness kills.
And then there’s the emotional and spiritual toll. Bitter people are awash in toxic feelings, such as anger, resentment, envy and even hatred. Acute negative states, like anger, often flare and then dissipate. But, like a smoldering fire, bitterness burns gradually, often for years, affording it the necessary time to wreak slow-motion havoc. “I don’t want to keep hurting myself,” one resentful client explained, recognizing that his bitterness was becoming a self-inflicted wound.
Practice Compassion
Unless you’re a saint, chances are that, at some point, someone or something will mess with you in a way that leaves you bitter. Here are ways to lessen bitterness. They require some courage and focused effort over time, but they often work.
1. Vent your feelings. It’s good to “let it out” in some acceptable fashion, but only if you put a time limit on doing so. Set a target date to be done with the venting and stick to it. Don’t cross over the line from venting to chronic carping.
2. When bitterness sets in, remind yourself that, “I’m only hurting me.” Then ask, “Do I want to keep hurting myself about this person or situation?” If not, let it go.
3. One way of letting it go is to use a ritual that releases resentment, which is, like all emotions, a form of energy. For example, write down your bitter feelings, then burn the paper and scatter the ashes to the wind. Or, locate where the sensation of bitterness resides in your body and breathe it out.
4. If it seems do-able, consider respectfully confronting the person who wronged you. This isn’t advisable with mean-spirited types, but some folks hurt others out of ignorance or impulsiveness, not malevolence. If you can’t confront, then consider writing that person a letter that you’ll never send. It helps with closure.
5. Practice compassion, which, for most of us, is a learnable capacity. There are numerous guided meditations that promote compassion toward others, even those who have done us wrong. Paradoxically, extending compassion to our adversaries heals the self-inflicted wound of bitterness, meaning the primary benefit is for ourselves.
Maya Angelou was spot on in stating, “Bitterness is like cancer; it eats upon the host.”
Don’t give it a foothold in your soul.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
