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Perfectionist
Perfectionists. We often refer to them with a sarcastic or flippant tone. But some uncompromising variations of this character trait are no laughing matter. In fact, research has implicated one type of perfectionism as a risk factor for suicide and another as highly destructive to one's relationships.
There are three approaches to being perfect, were that possible, and each varies in its impact on one’s well-being. The most widely recognized type is “self-directed perfectionism.” These folks set an extremely high and unreachable bar for themselves, requiring that they demonstrate impeccable performance across a range of characteristics such as physical appearance, work output, living environment or social decorum. They embody the most common stereotype of a perfectionist, one who strives to be outwardly flawless.
In contrast, we find “socially-directed perfectionism.” Such individuals believe, whether accurately or not, that those around them (family, colleagues, teachers, etc.) want or demand perfection on their part, so they strive to meet the expectations of others more than their own. While those around them may set a high bar, these perfectionists assume this requires unblemished performance.
Motivational Whip
Either of these types can be unduly self-critical. Mentally hounding themselves is how they crack the motivational whip to sustain their over-the-top efforts. This requires almost constant self-monitoring, which involves splitting their awareness into two modes—the one who is performing and the one who is critiquing.
Finally, there are perfectionists who are “other-oriented.” They expect other people to be flawless, and when they are disappointed in this regard, which is more or less constantly, they become highly judgmental and condescending. They believe those around them should meet standards of behavior and appearance they don’t apply to themselves. Interestingly, they often take smug satisfaction in watching others mess up or fail, which seems to afford them an ego boost (“I’m superior to them”).
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In summary, perfectionists come in three flavors: (1) those who expect themselves to be perfect, (2) those who believe others expect that of them, and (3) the ones who expect it of others.
Unblemished Excellence?
People who strive for unblemished excellence, whether due to their own intrinsic motivation (self-directed) or what they perceive as the expectations of others (socially-directed), are at increased risk for anxiety, depression and mental exhaustion. Worse still, socially directed perfectionists, who march to the beat of other people's drums, are more likely to contemplate suicide. For them, the constant pressure of external expectations, whether real or imagined, along with a persistent fear of criticism or rejection, can ferment despair.
Finally, the other-oriented perfectionists, who expect those around them to be impeccable while affording themselves a pass in this regard, prove to be the relationship wreckers. Because they are quick to find fault and are harsh in condemning it, positive interactions are not their strong suit. Condescension is.
Whichever pedigree, perfectionism is among the more corrosive of personality traits. It is a form of chronic rejection, of oneself or others, disguised as the laudable pursuit of excellence. Having your psyche insist that you or others must achieve the unachievable is inherently self-defeating. That's not to say we shouldn't strive to make good use of the gifts we possess or expect the same of others, but when we set the bar too high and leave no space for common miscues and human failings, we undermine our humanity and sabotage reasonable efforts to be our best.
As psychologist Brené Brown wrote in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”
