What’s the Glue Holding a Marriage Together

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Couple #1, married for 12 years, decided to build their dream home. Within a year of finishing the project, they separated, and, shortly thereafter, ended their marriage.

Couple #2, even with their six-year marriage stalled out, decided to have a child. Afterward, with their little one approaching her third birthday, “irreconcilable differences” drove them apart. Despite becoming a family, they were unable to salvage their bond.

Couple #3, partnered for over a decade, decided to open a small business together. Several years into this shared enterprise, and after dozens of counseling sessions to address increasing conflict, they went their separate ways.

New home, new child, new family business—these can be what couples counselors call “relationship glue.” When they sense themselves drifting apart, some spouses and partners respond by seeking a common focus or mutual effort that will keep their minds off their faltering bond and on their shared goal—the glue.

However, while applying this glue, they often fail to recognize they are attempting to cement an interpersonal connection that is coming apart at the emotional seams. For most, the house, child, business or whatever simply emerges as a new dream or goal, not a last-ditch effort to save a marriage or other partnering.

Dying Embers

Of course, sometimes this glue does hold, but, frequently, it proves insufficient. In time, many of these couples discover that the dying embers in their hearts cannot be reignited by something outside themselves. It must come from within. It’s the difference between extrinsic (outside) and intrinsic (inside) motivation. Relationship glue relies on an external adhesive, so to speak, hoping it will compensate for the absence of an internal one. Unfortunately, in most cases, the impact of extrinsic motivators is short-lived, so only intrinsic ones get the job done over the long haul.

Another problem with interpersonal glue is that it is sticky stuff, so even when it doesn’t resurrect a lasting bond, it still makes it harder to separate the respective parties. It is easier to part ways when children are not in the picture, or when a big mortgage isn’t on the books, or there’s no business to reorganize or sell. When these logistical exigencies—running the household, making money, raising kids, etc.—solidify into seemingly unbreakable chains, the pairing may last, but it won’t be a happy one.

I’m not suggesting that couples who want to have a baby or buy or build a house, for instance, are teetering on the brink of dissolution. This sort of nesting is common among those who have a solid relationship, as well. But if a marriage or partnering is in turmoil or has grown emotionally inert, the couple should be wary of any impulse to apply this sort of external mental glue. Not only is it likely to fail as an interpersonal adhesive, but if separation or divorce does occur, it can make the process even more difficult and painful.

Interestingly enough, the glue factor can also manifest as matrimony itself. Some couples who come together in a blaze of passion gradually discover that the fire of their infatuation was a flash in the pan, not a steady burn. When this occurs, some simply face reality and break things off. But others rush to get married, hoping the institutional bond will take the place of their waning emotional one. It’s a bad reason to get hitched. Love, common interests, shared values, physical attraction, compatible personalities—these and other substantive attributes are the most durable forms of relationship glue. Without them, the external adhesives rarely hold fast. And if they do, one often ends up wishing they had not.

When it comes to sticking together, the most salient factor is each person’s heartfelt affinity for the other. Without that, a couple might glue themselves together with such-and-so, but they won’t be connected where it counts.

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