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Moral compass
When I was a lad, the word “values” was not common parlance. In my rural community, residents rarely debated which moral principles parents should instill in their children. The messages were clear and got through without much fanfare, sometimes encapsulated in simple proverbs, and other times illustrated through what we now call “role modeling.” Nonetheless, I am impressed by how my parents’ prescriptions for successful living, echoed by many of their peers, are now validated by scientific research. Here are a few examples.
“Say please, thank you, you’re welcome and I’m sorry,” my mother repeatedly admonished us. Today, studies confirm that people who treat others with common courtesy feel better about themselves, improve their mood and help create mutual rapport. What’s more, apologizing is a proven way to heal interpersonal rifts and unburden the heart and soul from the weight of resentment and bitterness, both powerful psycho-toxins. Common courtesy is uncommonly impactful.
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” was a favorite aphorism of my father. Research shows financial woes are the number one cause of conflict among married couples. In addition, people troubled about money are too often depressed and angry, more likely to self-medicate with alcohol and other psychoactive drugs, and at greater risk of suicide. It’s far easier to fall into a financial snake pit than crawl out of one, so Dad’s preventive prescription holds true.
Chronic Anger
“The person your anger hurts most is you,” a grade school teacher regularly reminded us. Recent medical studies show being angry substantially suppresses one’s immune response, making illness more likely. Beyond that, chronic anger catalyzes an inflammatory response in the body, a condition that, in turn, elevates the risk of a plethora of other ills and diseases.
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“Respect your elders,” I was often told, to which my Irish Catholic mother added, “If they earn it.” And most around me did. Research indicates many elders are indeed wiser than their younger counterparts, can offer sound guidance based on experience, and, somewhat surprisingly, are often more content and fulfilled than the youth in their midst. For most older folks, wisdom was hard-earned, so they know a thing or two about successfully addressing life’s many challenges.
“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” was another ubiquitous adage in my neighborhood. We all witness how incivility has reduced the national discourse to mean-spirited mudslinging and personal insults. Sure, there are times to let some goon have it (verbally) but, more often than not, hurling invective at others bears only bitter fruit. Sociologists tell us that, in the presence of persistent acrimony and verbal warfare, we lose our sense of community and shared purpose, leaving us alienated, wary and hyper-vigilant. Love may not always be the answer but hate never is.
Count Your Blessings
“You made your bed, now sleep in it,” was a common refrain, one that referred to the importance of taking responsibility for one’s actions and decisions. Studies now suggest that assuming ownership of one’s behaviors and their consequences is essential to sustaining rewarding relationships, whether at work, among friends or with family. Those who always lay their accountability on “fate or somebody else’s fault” epitomize psychological cowardice.
“Count your blessings and help the needy,” was a family dictum highlighting the importance of giving thanks not just in words, but also by being generous to the disadvantaged. Studies show those who give of themselves to the betterment of others receive as much or more in return, usually in the form of good feelings, an enhanced sense of life purpose and spiritual growth. It takes more than an attitude of gratitude, as we like to say. It requires sharing one’s blessings.
I could go on, but I’m also interested in the proverbs that were guideposts in your upbringing. Did they prove helpful? Do you still follow them? Who was the source? If you are so inclined, send a few my way. I’ll compare them with what behavioral science research has to say and include some in a subsequent column.
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