News of the Weird newspapers illustration
Meth’s Amphetamines
Unfortunately named Johna Martinez-Meth, 46, of Clearlake, Calif., was sentenced on Feb. 21 for involuntary manslaughter stemming from a delivery she made to Adrian Sepulveda, an inmate at California Medical Facility in Vacaville, in May 2018. Sepulveda, who died on May 28, 2018, was serving a life sentence for second-degree murder when Martinez-Meth visited him; an autopsy showed that shortly after her visit, Sepulveda had swallowed multiple balloons filled with methamphetamine, Fox News reported. A subsequent search of Martinez-Meth’s home uncovered meth and balloons. She plead guilty to the charges and will serve two years.
Don’t Be a Cheapskate in Maryville
Attorneys in Maryville, Tenn., are debating the merits of a felony case brought against Howard Matthew Webb, 31, after he dipped his testicles in a takeout container of salsa that a coworker and he were about to deliver along with Mexican food. As the two ferried the food on Jan. 12, Webb “seasoned” the salsa while he recorded the act on his cellphone; his companion, meanwhile, laughs, saying: “This is what you get when you give an 89-cent tip for an almost 30-minute drive.” Webb is heard saying, “Oh, oh, it feels so good.” The video made it to Facebook, and Webb was arrested on Feb. 22 for “adulteration of foods, liquids or pharmaceuticals,” a Class C felony.
Panda Patrol
The long, harsh winter must be getting to folks in Muskego, Wis., to wit: Police were called to a home on Feb. 22 after “a big teddy bear” was reported to be at a neighbor’s front door. As it turned out, the human-sized panda (certainly not native to our state) was a 48-year-old man who had been asked to check on the dogs and thought it would be funny to prank his neighbors through their security system. “I knew my neighbors had cameras, and I thought I was going to make the ordinary extraordinary and dress up in a panda suit,” the unnamed man told CBS 58. Apparently he has also picked his daughter up at school and met her at the bus stop in the suit (pandas are her favorite animal).
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Czeching on the Lions
Neighbors of Michal Prasek, 33, of Zdechov, Czech Republic, were rightly concerned about the animals living on his property. In 2016, Prasek bought a full-grown lion, and two years later added a lioness. He built enclosures for them, defying government regulations, and would not allow authorities onto his property to investigate. BBC News reported on March 5 that Prasek’s project had met a tragic end: He was discovered by his father in the lion’s cage, mauled to death. Police who were called to the scene killed the two lions in order to reach Prasek’s body. Presumably grasping for a silver lining, Zdechov Mayor Tomas Kocourek rather icily commented: “Today’s incident will finally resolve this long-term problem.”
Fools with Firearms
• In the category of Unnecessarily Calling Attention to Your Criminal Self, Trinidad Garcia, 26, of Forest Lake, Minn., wins the gold. On March 1, as Garcia motored his BMW north on snow-slick I-35, police say he fired a stolen gun, without provocation, into the passenger door of a pickup truck passing him on the left. The Minneapolis Star Tribune reported he then veered his car into the median ditch. Luckily (well, maybe not so luckily as it turned out) for Garcia, a state trooper was close by and stopped to check on his welfare. Garcia, who had stuffed the loaded gun (sans one bullet, of course) in his front pocket, was arrested; in his car, officers found a shoebox with $11,481 in cash. He was charged with second-degree assault, drive-by shooting and being a felon in possession of a firearm.
• Mark Jones, 46, of Marion, Ind., is probably in the market for a nice holster after his experience on Feb. 28. Jones told police he was walking along a riverside trail early that morning when his pistol began to slip from his waistband. As he reached to adjust it, the loaded weapon fired and, according to the police report, “the bullet entered just above his penis and exited his scrotum.” WISH-TV reported that Jones did not have a license for the Hi-Point 9mm weapon. Grant County prosecutors were considering whether to charge him with any crimes.
© 2019 ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION
