News of the Weird: May 30, 2019

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China’s Sensitive Side

Dog owners in China are advised to take great care when naming their pets, as was demonstrated by the case of a man from Anhui Province. The man, a dog breeder named Ban, was summoned by police on May 13 after posting on social media that he had two new dogs named “Chengguan” and “Xieguan”—which are titles given to law enforcement personnel who deal with petty crimes and traffic issues, the BBC reports. He was sentenced to 10 days in a detention center in Xiangyang. One police officer said Ban had “caused great harm to the nation and the city’s urban management—in terms of their feelings.”

Hernandez Harassment

Jennifer Hernandez, 58, is nothing if not persistent. On April 22, she walked through the vehicle gate at CIA headquarters in Langley, Va., where she was stopped by a police officer. She explained that she had an interview in the complex, but the officer discovered she had no official business there and told her to leave. On May 1, Military Times reported, Hernandez returned, this time in a Lyft vehicle, asking to see her “recruiter.” She was issued a written warning and directed to leave. On May 2, she was back (this time in an Uber), telling officers she returned because her “recruiter’s phone was off.” On that day, when officers again told her to leave, they inadvertently kept her ID card. The following day, she came back to pick it up and also asked if she could speak to “Agent Penis.” Again told to leave the premises, Hernandez refused, telling an officer, “Do you really think I’m going to leave?” Finally, they’d had enough; she was arrested and charged with trespassing.

Castellion’s Pad-Cast

We don’t know what brought 29-year-old Coffii Castellion of Largo, Fla., to the Mease Dunedin Hospital emergency room on May 13, but we know where she went afterward: Pinellas County Jail. According to The Smoking Gun, Castellion first caused a stir when she was caught stealing seven bath cloths and 10 pairs of hospital slippers (total value of $10.79), earning her a felony charge due to two previous theft convictions. But, her most grievous crime that evening: taking a (used) feminine pad from underneath her pants and throwing it at a health care provider, striking her in the stomach. For that, Castellion was charged with battery.

Birthday Bash

Georgia Zowacki of West Newton Borough, Pa., celebrated her 55th birthday on May 15 by drinking vodka all day, according to her boyfriend, David Rae. They also went out to dinner to mark the occasion, but after they returned home, Zowacki became angry that there were no gifts, cards or a cake. “Next thing you know, I’m getting stabbed,” Rae told KDKA. He told Westmoreland County Police that Zowacki came at him with a box cutter: “She went to my neck, she says, ‘I’m going to kill you!’” She ended up cutting his arm, then “destroyed” his bedroom, throwing his TV to the floor and breaking his bed. She was charged with aggravated assault and spent the rest of her birthday in jail.

Don’t Show and Don’t Tell!

A preschool student at St. Cyprian Children’s Center in Philadelphia arrived at school on May 14 with a little something extra in his pocket: a baggie containing 22 purple plastic bags of crack cocaine. Fox29 News reported that a teacher’s aide noticed the bulge in the 5-year-old’s pocket and asked him to take the item out. He told her the person who had handed him the bag had asked him to hide it. Philadelphia police are still investigating.

Jesus Take the Wheel

Leonard Olsen, 70, was arrested in Lakeland, Fla., on May 10 for reckless driving after an off-duty sheriff’s deputy filmed him sitting on his sunroof while his Cadillac motored down the road at about 40 m.p.h. When Florida Highway Patrol troopers asked him about riding on his sunroof, Olsen said he “didn’t know about that” but later admitted that the car was on cruise control. “The car drives itself and has a gigantic computer in it,” he said, according to WTSP. “I thought it would be a nice way to praise God for a minute, and that’s what I did.” After his arrest, Olsen told officers he would rather be taken to jail than back to his wife, who “treats (him) like a servant.”

© 2019 ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION