News of the Weird: Nov. 7, 2019

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Chinese Chain Gang

After six years of litigation, six men were found guilty of attempted murder in late October in Guangxi, China, for participating in a chain of subcontracted murder-for-hire plots that never resulted in death. Businessman Tan Youhui started the chain by hiring a hitman to “take out” a rival identified only as Mr. Wei, reported the BBC. That hitman then subcontracted a second hitman to do the dirty deed, who subcontracted with a third hitman, who then reached out to a fourth hitman who, you guessed it, approached a fifth hitman. But, would-be Hitman No. 5, Ling Xiansi, decided on a different scheme: He contacted the target, Mr. Wei, and proposed they fake the murder, and then both of them would divide the cash which, by this point, amounted to some 100,000 Chinese yen. Wei agreed, but then quickly reported Ling to the police. Businessman Tan and the five hitmen-for-hire will serve sentences ranging from 31 months to five years.

Jauernik’s Juggernaut

Convicted bank robber and career criminal Michael Jauernik, 71, received a sentence of more than 12 years in prison in Germany on Monday, Oct. 7, but managed to stall his incarceration by delivering a five-day-long closing statement that included anecdotes about his career in crime and details about his fitness routine. Twenty hours into the soliloquy, the judge finally cut him off, saying she wished she had done so earlier in light of his “excessive digressions,” The Guardian reported. Jauernik, who wore sunglasses throughout his trial, told the court, “I am more intelligent and clever than any employee of the criminal police agency; that much is sure.”

Surveillance Video Works a Little Too Well

Miguel Angel Reyes-Avila, 23, of Half Moon Bay, Calif., waited patiently until his neighbors took their dog for a walk on Sunday, Oct. 6, then pounced, according to the San Mateo County sheriff’s office. The San Jose Mercury News reports Reyes-Avila then allegedly entered their home through an open window and stole about $4,000 worth of jewelry, plus the keys to the homeowners’ 2009 Mitsubishi. When the neighbors returned home and found their car gone, they called police, who asked neighborhood folks to share their security footage. Most helpful of all proved to be the video from Reyes-Avila’s own home security system, which captured him leaving his house, entering the neighbors’ home and making off with their car. Reyes-Avila was arrested on Thursday, Oct. 10, on charges of felony burglary and grand theft auto.

A Thorne-y Situation

An unnamed resident of the Wilson Lane Apartments in Elkins, W.V., told police she left her home for a few minutes on Friday, Oct. 18, returning a short time later to find a neighbor, Ronald L. Thorne Jr., 52, “standing in her apartment and eating her lasagna.” Asked what he was doing, Thorne went on to tell her he “just wanted to talk and maybe do something more,” and then he returned to his own apartment, carrying the lasagna and one of her forks, according to the police report. The Inter-Mountain reports the woman also told Randolph County sheriff’s officers that her home had been ransacked, and a $20 bill she always keeps in her purse was missing. When officers confronted Thorne, he told them he “had been sleepwalking and had woke up standing in his neighbor’s apartment,” the complaint stated (though Thorne has no history of sleepwalking). The officers also noticed a pan with scraps of lasagna in it on his kitchen table, and Thorne told them “she could have it back.” Thorne was arrested and charged with burglary; as he was being processed, a $20 bill was found in his wallet.

People With Guns

In Shelbyville, Ky., on Monday, Oct. 28, a female customer picking up her food at a KFC drive-thru became angry when she realized she hadn’t been provided with a fork and a napkin, witnesses told WLKY, so she pulled out a gun and shot out the drive-thru window, narrowly missing the attendant. KFC released a statement expressing gratitude that no one was injured, and Charlene Witt, the manager of the Subway restaurant across the street, is using the incident as a teaching moment in her own store: “If someone comes in irate, just give them what they want.”

© 2019 Andrews McMeel Syndication