News of the Weird: Week of May 5, 2022

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The Passing Parade

On April 25, the Oklahoma Election Board ruled that state Rep. Sean Roberts, who is running for labor commissioner, cannot be listed on the ballot as "The Patriot," as he had hoped to be, KFOR-TV reported. "I'm not surprised they ruled I had to change my name," Roberts said. "Back in my area, in the grassroots, I'm generally known as The Patriot." He claimed between 200 and 600 people know him by that name. Roberts' opponent and current labor commissioner Leslie Osborn said Roberts has appeared on seven previous ballots as Kevin Sean Roberts or Sean Roberts, and that he is not generally known as The Patriot. Roberts is considering appealing the decision.

Crash Collector

Everyone needs a hobby. Christina Warren is a busy software developer, but in her free time, she collects the swag of epic corporate failure: from Enron to Fyre Festival to her latest acquisition, a PopSocket branded with the CNN+ logo. NPR reported that Warren isn't interested in milquetoast meltdowns. She wants stuff from the companies that made a big splash and then sank to the bottom of the barrel. "I'm looking at the ones that were flying high, too close to the sun," she said, which "makes it funnier to be out someplace wearing a shirt from one of those things." But she doesn't want to spend more than $75 on any one item. She avoids counterfeit merchandise, and said her "white whale, the thing I haven't been able to obtain yet, is something officially from Theranos. I would even take a pen, you know, like a ballpoint pen."

Squirrel!

A 78-year-old man in Slidell, Louisiana, was unable to get a good grip on a squirrel that was attacking him on April 26, possibly because the squirrel was "eating his hand," according to Slidell police. KATC-TV News reported that the man was trying to choke the squirrel, who inflicted "significant injuries" on the victim. (He is expected to make a full recovery.) Police said the man was walking around outside when the varmint came at him from the direction of the roof without any provocation. In a prescient pre-scold, police said while the story might sound funny, the incident was serious. So stop laughing.

All in the Family

April 18 was a tough day for Franklin County (Florida) Sheriff A.J. Smith, the Miami Herald reported. His deputies conducted a "controlled buy" that day involving Smith's 38-year-old daughter, Kristen Kent, who was charged with trafficking methamphetamine. The sheriff, whose office features a sign saying "We don't meth around," admitted that this case "hit him in the face." When his deputies arrested a different woman for trafficking, she told them she had gotten the drugs from Kent. "My daughter?" he asked. "Yes, sir," she answered. He called it "gut-wrenching." Still, he said Kent would receive the same treatment he recommends for others who are caught up in meth's effects. "Methamphetamine does not discriminate and neither do we," he said.

The King of PTO

In January 1938, Walter Orthmann started work in the shipping department at Industrias Renaux S.A., a textile company in Brusque, Brazil, at the age of 15. Eighty-four years later, he still works there, now as a sales manager, Oddity Central reported. Orthmann turned 100 years old on April 19, but he has no plans to retire: "I like working here at the company," he said. He noted that everything is easier now, with mobile phones and internet connections, but he no longer travels like he used to. "You have to like to work. You can't just do any job to say that you are working," Orthmann advised.

Bright Idea

Deborah Hodge, 49, of the Sidcup area of London, has been forced to rehome three pets because previous landlords wouldn't allow them, but she couldn't bear the thought of being separated from her current cat, India, Metro News reported. So Hodge came up with a plan: She would marry India, making it more difficult for a landlord to separate them. India wore gold lame and Hodge donned a tuxedo for the big event, where a friend presided over the wedding vows in a London park. "We cannot be separated under any circumstances, as she is as important to me as the children," Hodge said. "I refuse to be parted with her."

Fore!

Erik and Athina Tenczar bought their home abutting the Indian Pond Country Club golf course in Kingston, Massachusetts, for the beautiful views. However, they ended up suing the club over the 600+ golf balls that have left dents and shattered windows in their home over five years, NBC News reported. The couple said they've long since stopped repairing shattered windows, instead covering them with plastic. "When it hits, it sounds like a gunshot," Athina said. "We're always on edge," Erik added. A Plymouth County Superior Court jury sympathized and awarded them $4.93 million. The club is now launching an appeal and has worked with the course's architect to find solutions for the errant projectiles.

Oops

Darbi Boddy, a Lakota School Board member in Butler County, Ohio, was asked to resign on April 27 after she apparently mistakenly directed visitors on her "Boddy for Lakota" Facebook page to a pornographic website, WLWT-TV reported. On April 26, she created a post about topics being taught in classrooms and included a link, but she spelled it wrong. Other school board members recognized that it was a mistake but said she was negligent; board president Lynda O'Connor called the error "absolutely unacceptable." In response, Boddy said, "This is a ruse, a political ruse. I did nothing wrong," and called the meeting a circus designed to shut down conservatives. Before the website incident, Boddy had been the subject of a petition, signed by 1,500 people, seeking her censure for "continued disrespect and aggression toward Superintendent Matt Miller." She said she will never resign.

Crime Report

With the help of a fine feathered friend, investigators in Buncombe County, North Carolina, are finally wrapping a cold (duck) case from 2020, WLOS-TV reported. Nellie Sullivan, a woman in her 90s, was determined to be missing in 2020, but her body was never located. Nevertheless, her granddaughter, Angela Wamsley, 46, and Wamsley's boyfriend, Mark Barnes, 50, were arrested in December 2020 on multiple charges, including concealing a death. On April 14, a couple out walking their pet duck discovered a container after the duck wandered under a trailer where Wamsley and Barnes once lived. Sullivan's remains were inside. "If I could give that duck a medal, I would," said Sgt. Mark Walker. He said Wamsley and Barnes continued to collect Sullivan's Social Security and retirement benefits and fill her prescriptions after her demise.

Awesome!

You might have heard that Queen Elizabeth II is celebrating her 70th year as monarch across the pond. Along with snapping up collector teacups and T-shirts, loyal Britons can slather their excitement for the platinum jubilee onto their sandwiches, with two renamed condiments from Heinz: HM Sauce (ordinarily known as HP Sauce) and Salad Queen (Salad Cream). Sky News suggested trying them on (Bucking)ham sandwiches or coronation chicken. "Releasing limited-edition bottles in time for the Jubilee felt like the perfect fit," gushed Heinz brand manager Anke von Hanstein. Gotta love the Brits.

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