News of the Weird: Sept. 5, 2019

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You’re Screwed

If you’ve experienced one (or more) flat tires in Sherburne County, Minn., over the last few weeks, News of the Weird is now able to tell you why. Jeffrey Caouette, 63, of Elk River admitted to authorities in late August that he had purchased 55 pounds of sheetrock screws (that’s more than 12,000 screws) and scattered them on local roads to “slow down” a person he believed was in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend. Specifically, KSTP reported, he put the screws on the road where he believed the man lived and on the roads between that house and the ex-girlfriend’s house, among others. The arrest complaint notes that Big Lake police have received more than 100 reports of damage from the screws, including to three of their own vehicles. Caouette was charged with first-degree property damage.

Thumbs Up!

Jacob Pina, 20, of Westport, Mass., can’t explain his physical oddity, but that’s not stopping him from firmly grasping his 15 minutes of fame. Pina, recently dubbed “Thumb Boy,” unveiled his unusually long (5 inches!) right thumb on the TikTok app on Saturday, Aug. 24, reported Metro News. “There’s no reason it’s so big; just an anomaly,” Pina posted. “I feel great about it. It’s always great to be different and embrace your own essence.” Pina has gained 145,000 followers on the app—and he’s never lost a thumb war.

Ewwww!

Firefighters near Estacada, Ore., rescued a woman on Tuesday, Aug. 20, who had been trapped in a septic tank on her rural property. The unidentified woman, who lives alone, couldn’t alert neighbors of her predicament because they live out of shouting range. Her daughter found her after becoming concerned when she was unable to reach her mother for four days. Firefighters told KATU that work appeared to be being done on the tank: A hole had been dug exposing the tank, which had a rusted two-by-two-foot hole in its lid. The woman had apparently fallen through the hole and was lying in… sewage, with her face just above the surface, when rescuers got to her. They did not see any visible injuries on her, but she was transported to a hospital in Portland.

Hand Gun

A Pennsylvania state appellate court has ruled against Stephen Kirchner, who was convicted in a lower court for disorderly conduct in 2018 for pointing his finger like a gun at a neighbor. In June of that year, KDKA reported, Kirchner was walking past a neighbor’s home in Manor, Penn., when the neighbor made an obscene gesture with his hand. Kirchner responded by making a shooting gun gesture with his own hand (including making a recoiling move as if he’d just fired a weapon). A witness called 911, and the unnamed neighbor told police he felt “extremely threatened.” Kirchner argued that his gesture was not a hazard, but the appeals court disagreed.

Machete Madness

In Hudson, Fla., Pasco County deputies arrested 46-year-old Keith Mounts on a felony aggravated assault charge after he allegedly threatened an unnamed man with a machete. A sheriff’s office spokesperson said the two men were at the victim’s home on Saturday, Aug. 24, when Mounts used the bathroom and “didn’t flush, and when the victim called him on it, the suspect threatened to ‘chop’ him,” according to Newsweek. The arrest report said officers found the machete in the yard, and Mounts told them he was using it to defend himself, but he couldn’t say from what. He did provide a written statement saying simply, “Shit happened.”

Eye of the Beholder

In downtown Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, someone left a plate of macaroni and cheese, complete with fork, sitting atop a steel road barrier on Tuesday, Aug. 27, which caught the interest of a Reddit poster. No one knew where it came from or if someone would be back to retrieve it, but a day later, an anonymous citizen made it into an art installation, reported CTV News, by adding a museum-like tag beside it: Abandoned Snack (2019)—macaroni and sundried tomato on ceramic—Unknown Artist, reads the placard.

© 2019 ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION