Dear Ruthie is sponsored by C3 Designs. C3 Designs offers a variety of services performed in-house, including custom jewelry design, jewelry and watch repair, appraisal, pearl and bead stringing, engraving and flip guards. You can read past columns here.
I write my column for Shepherd Express days before the paper is posted to ShepherdExpress.com. As such, this column can be a bit behind on current happenings and whatnot.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying, “What the hell, Ruthie? Who cares? Tell us about some kooky dame who wants to marry her dog to her cat or let’s hear about some schmuck with a broken penis.” In good time, dear reader...in good time.
The reason I’m explaining my schedule is because the day after this column is officially published, Milwaukee’s safer-at-home guidelines will either have been formally extended, lifted or modified. In other words, the city could look different the day you read this versus the day I wrote it. Restaurants might be open, bars could be serving drinks, gyms could resume business and people might be out and about. Or, there could be no change at this time, and we’re all facing another several weeks of missing friends, loved ones and the life we previously enjoyed.
Regardless of what’s going on at the time you’re reading this, please be safe out there. Just because the city is reopening, doesn’t mean the virus isn’t still with us, infecting us, hurting us. Just because we may be relishing our life-before-COVID ways, doesn’t mean Ms. Rona can’t still sink her claws into us.
That said, no matter what life in Milwaukee looks like as you read this edition of Shepherd Express, be safe out there. Remember that protecting others is just as important as protecting yourself, so wear your mask, social distance and wash those goddamn hands of yours. When something feels wrong, a venue appears too crowded or something seems not particularly healthy, trust your gut. You’ll thank yourself in the long run. Whether the city is open or not, let’s keep encouraging one another, supporting local businesses and keeping one another well. Remember, long and steady wins this race.
Now...on to a message I received about a guy with a broken penis.
Dear Ruthie,
Can you break a penis? I think I’ve done something wrong. I bent it when I went to pee in the middle of the night, and I think something bad happened. I’m sort of embarrassed to go to the doctor, but it hurts, particularly when I get hard. Any ideas?
Help!
Dangerous Dick
Dear Dick,
“Can you break a penis?” I don’t know. I’ve never tried. Sounds interesting, though. In fact, there are several guys whose penises I’d like to break. Let’s start with President Trump. Give me just a few moments with him, and let’s see if I can’t snap that thing off. (I’d sell it on eBay, by the way.)
But back to you and your wonky whacker. I have one tiny bit of advice for you: GO TO A DOCTOR! What’s the matter with you? If you’re in pain, go see someone! Contact your family physician or a urologist and make sure your pecker is perfect....or at least not broken. If costs are an issue, you might want to hit up a clinic of sorts.
Pain, no matter where it’s located should be taken seriously. There’s no reason to be embarrassed, and an ounce of effort now can result in preventing something far more intense down the road. So take care of your womb broom before the little Impaler turns into a limp biscuit.
Ask Ruthie a question at DearRuthie@Shepex.com. Follow her on Instagram @ruthiekeester and Facebook at Dear Ruthie. Don’t miss her new game show, “Dear Ruthie’s Bar Wars” on www.twitch.tv/dearruthie, and check out her hilarious drag reality competition “Camp Wannakiki,” on YouTube.
Dear Ruthie is sponsored by C3 Designs. You can read past columns here.
