Happy New Year to Ruthie, Paul, Christopher and you, our Shepherd Express LGBTQ fans! May 2019 be filled with love of self, love of others and love of life.
On New Year's Day morning, I woke up with a cold that made me wonder if I should even go out to the movies on $5 Tuesday. Would leaving my warm house and going out into the cold make it worse? Would I even be alert enough to capture the film's meaning? Would I be coughing and sneezing all the way through the best parts? The movies won. After all, it's the new J-Lo film Second Act, a comedy drama about a Puerto Rican working class woman from Queens who loves her boyfriend and wants to start a family, then finds herself in the luxurious world of a Manhattan products company, reconnects with her daughter and ultimately makes a choice: to tell the truth about who she really is. All I did was sniffle through the film, and yes, I caught a chill. I also caught the meaning of choices that we make in life and the impact on ourselves and others that those choices make.
Fast forward to that evening, and a friend stopped by unexpectedly to talk about finding meaning in life and, as I walked behind her SUV, I didn't notice the sheet of ice below. I fell smack down on the ice in my driveway right on my pelvis and hard on my right knee and leg. Man, did I wail; fortunately, she was there to comfort me. The timing of her visit was impeccable, because we were able to comfort one another. I firmly believe external pain and bruising goes away faster than internal pain and sadness and bruises that hurt from messages that linger long past the messages we get.
I spent today getting x-rays, putting a natural healing cream, drinking expectorant and, of course, resting. It was while lying there in my bed, looking up at the ceiling, that I realized I need to comfort and care for myself more in 2019. I don't do it enough because I'm moving so fast through life, wanting to see what's new and next. As LGBTQ people, we are often in survival mode to protect our identity; the choices we make are around being honest with ourselves and others, being there for our friends and family as they are figuring out life along the way. How do we learn to comfort and care for ourselves and let that be enough? How do we move forward from each painful experience both internally and externally? How do we find time to look out for each other in our LGBTQ community while balancing self-care and self-love?
How could something so big and so trendy like self-care be such a big deal?
In his article “Self-Care is a Big Deal for LGBT People,” Adam D. Blum, founder and director of the Gay Therapy Center, writes about the five “B's” for better self-care: Boundaries, Bodies, Breath, Being Grateful and Becoming Curious.
• Boundaries. Many of us are afraid to say no. Deep down, we fear we'll be all alone if we assert our boundaries. Ironically, the opposite is true. We'll have more and better relationships when we learn to put our needs at the top of the priority list.
• Bodies. Does the topic of getting enough exercise and good nutrition make your eyes glaze over? There's no getting around the importance of caring for your body. Many studies show that exercise works better than medication for moderate levels of anxiety and depression, with no side effects.
• Breath. What could be more boring than breathing? And yet, it is the fastest way to reduce our anxiety and feel more centered. Taking several deep breaths that go all the way into our belly reduces our heart rate. It is no coincidence that the work “spirit” comes from the word “breath” in Latin.
• Being Grateful. One of the best ways to start feeling better is to reflect on what you have that is good. It takes practice to challenge that automatically pessimistic perspective.
• Becoming Curious. Another way to say this is learning to track yourself. This means slowing down enough to occasionally notice our interior dialogue in addition to our behaviors. By cultivating curiosity, we get more raw data about what is actually true about ourselves. Without awareness, change can't occur. It's much easier to stay busy with the distractions of apps, shopping or entertainment than to take 15 seconds to notice, and the long-term good stuff comes from “noticing.” Being curious is simply remaining open to what is going on with you.
Self-care isn't complicated, and I like it like that!
Until next time, Love, Carmen
