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Art Kumbalek Evolution - March of Progress

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, as an effort to assist our beleaguered United States Postal Service, I plan to mail in the following essay myself. Also, what follows will be like one of those podcasts that are all the rage these days in that it will be an unruly parade of schmutz with no coherent through-line that marches ’til time’s up—the difference being you’ve got to read it instead of listen to it. Grab a cocktail and let’s get going.

So whilst fiddling with the radio knob in hopes of finding a station that plays 24-hour continuous Easter music, I’d like to remind you’s that it is indeed what-they-call springtime here in the Upper Midwest, now it being the mid-April of this ferkakta year, 2022, like we haven’t had enough of these recent bullshit circular roundabouts of the sun enough lately? What the fock.

Anyways, as for my near-future political ambitions (thanks for asking) I’m thinking maybe I ought to move to focking Georgia and run for senator, since I’ve been pissing away a lot of time lately trying to figure the answer to what you could call a biological question; although, some might consider it a religious question, or perhaps even philosophical, fock if I know.

The question is this: If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The most thoughtful answer I can conjure as to why we still have monkeys and apes is that what and/or whom could the Republicans possibly rely on to constitute the so-called base of their focked-up anti-human party than those lesser evolved? Ba-ding!

But the question does seem to have some relevance down there in The Peach State’s senatorial race as per this headline from cnn.com the other week:

Herschel Walker doesn't understand how evolution works. 'Why are there still apes?'

Mr. Walker, former NFL star, is running for the U.S. Senate as a Republican, ’natch, and is endorsed by that “very stable” genius Donald Trumpel-thinskin, which makes for two intellectual peas in a pod, ain’a? Perfect fit.

Here’s the rest of the story for your perusal:

cnn.com/2022/03/16/politics/herschel-walker-geogia-senate-candidate-evolution-apes

And, jeez louise, has the Disney empire been in the news of late? It sure as heck has been for me. I got to tell you that I may be called away soon on account of a very exciting opportunity, you betcha. I’ve been asked to audition for a shot at becoming an iconic figure to young and old—a role I always figured to be more or less inevitable, sooner or later, kind of.

This offer was made to me because apparently there’s been some trouble at a theme park down there in the Sunshine State. I’m not at liberty to name the park, but just between me and you’s, let me tell you I heard that Donald Duck’s addicted to quack and has taken to showing up for work completely naked instead of only pants-less. Also, I’ve heard the Mouse is going through an ugly divorce that has wreaked havoc as well as dicked with the delicate character-chemistry so necessary to maintain a successful magical mechanism bonded by fantastical animism and the wishful dream to stupendously lighten the vacationer’s wallet, makes no difference who you are.

A friend of mine down there told me that at a recent divorce hearing, the Mouse was trying to convince a judge to grant him a divorce from the Mrs. The judge at one point said, “I’m sorry, Mickey. But your claim that Minnie is crazy is not sufficient ground upon which I can grant a divorce.” Mickey sought to clarify the situation, “Now just one cotton-picking minute by golly there, your honor. I didn’t say she was ‘crazy’—I said she was focking Goofy. And if you don’t grant me a divorce, then I’ll sue the pants off that dog for ‘alienation of affection,’ I kid you not.”

Boy-oh, that sure doesn’t sound good, ain’a?

Anyways, I’ve got to go. There’s still a couple of days left for me to figure what I should give up for Lent since Easter comes Sunday. And for some of you’s there’s the Passover, so here’s a little story you may like to share during your observance:

Man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.” The Rabbi asks, “What is wrong?” The man replies, “My wife is poisoning me.” The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?” The man then pleads: “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?” The Rabbi then offers: “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?” The man anxiously says, “Yes.” And the Rabbi says, “Take the poison.” Ba-ding!

And for you Christians, here’s a little story you may like to share with the kids and/or grandkids when they come by for the Easter:

Br’er Bear and the Easter Bunny were taking a dump in the woods. Br’er Bear looked over to the Easter Bunny and asked: “Mr. Easter Bunny, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?” And the Easter Bunny replied: “Why no, Br’er Bear, I most certainly do not.” So Br’er Bear wiped his gargantuan ass with the Easter Bunny, and all was right in the world. Ba-ding!

And so I’ll leave you with a brief Easter-time message just like I was a regular pope. The message goes like this: “It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”

(If you guessed a French guy by the name of Voltaire said this a couple, three hundred years ago, you are abso-focking-lutely correct. Anyways, I got to run. But like they say, it’s a small world, so I’m sure I’ll see you around ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.