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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here’s a newsy bit to start your day (a nod to the late, great Alex Thien of the Milwaukee Sentinel), be it morning, afternoon or the dead of night. This, from out of a CNN.com story I stumbled upon a couple, three days ago:

Earth’s inner core may have stopped turning and could go into reverse, study suggests

Check it out, here:

cnn.com/2023/01/25/world/earth-core-turning-scli-scn-intl

Well, ladies and gentlemans, to quote the genius Sam Cooke from “‘(What a) Wonderful World”—“Don’t know much about a science book,” but to my ears, an Earth’s inner core that stops turning doesn’t sound too focking swell, what the fock.

And speaking scientifically, about snowstorms here and around the country lately, a reminder to the TV weather guys and gals: You got to be jerking my beefaroni when you describe any snow-storm as of “Biblical proportions.” Hey, the people who first made up the Bible wouldn’t of known “cold” if it came up and took a big honking bite right out of thine beatific butts. Give me a focking break. You ever hear of Jesus shoveling snow? You ever hear Him telling his flock to wear a hat “cause you lose 90% of your body heat out the topsides of your heads,” so it is written? They were all in a desert. They knew about as much from the cold and snow as they did about the Earth being round for christ sakes, so focking forget about it.

Anyways, I hear we’ve got another Super Sunday Super Bowl coming up in a Lord’s Day or two: Phila-focking-delphia Eagles versus the Chiefs from out of Kansas City. And I wonder what’s up with this “Chiefs” bullshit. And an arrowhead that stands as their logo as well as the name of their goddamn field of pigskin battle?

Hey, how ’bout we make history breath some true air so that the next time, say, the Patriots wallop the Chiefs, the red-uniformed team in K.C. is forced to vacate their territory and move to say, Walla Walla, Washington? Point focking Barrow, Alaska? A shallow grave somewhere in Utah? Cripes.

That Kansas City football team really needs a name-change, I kid you not. How ’bout they become something more palatable like the “Chefs,” and maybe use a crossed knife and fork as their logo. I’d have no problem with that, what the fock.

And of course, according to my rate card, millions tune into the game so’s to see the goddamn commercials, good lord, a TV-ad collection I can best sum up with a snappy catchphrase: “Nothing to See Here.”

I can never understand why these sharpie marketers never give me a holler to lend a hand with these million-dollar commercial spots. Jeez louise, I’ve got a boatload of scenarios that would grab a viewer’s attention by the balls and not let go ’til the final product-pitch crossed the plate—scenarios camera-ready and one-size-fits-all for any product or service you got needs pitching. I offer a couple, three here, and see if you don’t agree:

For boner pills or one of those new-fangled phone cameras:

Leo finds a lady friend he likes and it’s pretty serious to where he’s staying by her place a lot. One night after some hootchie-cootchie, Leo wants a cigarette but he can’t find his lighter. He asks this gal if hers were handy, and she says no but maybe there’s some matches in the bedside-table drawer.

Leo opens the drawer and there’s a box of matches sitting on top of a framed picture of some guy. He grabs the photo and says, “Who the fock is this? Your husband? You seeing another guy?” Leo’s gal starts rubbing her hand up and down his leg, nibbles on his ear lobe and says, “No silly, don’t get all worried. That’s me, before the operation.” Ba-ding, ka-ching!

Here’s a cute one, maybe for maybe some kind of insurance company:

A man notices a small boy wearing a fireman’s hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices that the cart is tied to the dog’s testicles. “That’s a nice fire engine,” the man says, “but wouldn’t the dog pull faster if you tied the rope to his collar?” And the boy says, “Probably, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.” Ba-ding, ka-ching!

And it wouldn’t be a Super Bowl without a beer ad, ain’a? Here’s the pitch, and feel free to add a tag for the need to drink responsibly, what the fock:

OK, so you’ve got three dickweeds talking about how wasted they got at a party the night before. The first guy says, “I drank so much of that good beer last night, that I got pulled over on my way home, couldn’t remember the alphabet so I got a DWI.” Second guy says, “That’s nothing. I drank so much of that good beer that when I was driving home, I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.” Third guys says, “Big focking deal. I drank so much of that good beer last night that when I got home, I blew chunks.”

Now you cut to a shot of a German Shepherd standing in front of a doghouse. Camera pans up to the top of the doghouse where there’s this nice, homey sign that says “Chunks.” Ba-ding, ka-ching!

Why breakfast at McDonald’s might be a good idea:

A couple is married 50 years. They’re sitting at the breakfast table and the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” And the old guy says, “And we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago, those were the days”