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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I hear there’s a presidential election coming up the pipe like a bad burrito a year and a handful of a couple, three months from right now, what the fock. And I know that across these Amber Waves of Grain, we’ve received a boatload of bitchin’ bad news over and over, again, my friend—climate change, war, guns, China, egg prices and etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, what the fock. And so how ’bout some good news for a change? Well sir, I got it for you’s right here:

In honor of the somewhat smokin’ hot national holiday known as 4/20 day, I have chosen April 20, 2023, to officially announce that I have decided, once again, to toss my hat into the ring of Oval Office presidential aspirants, so’s to earn a salary of $400,00 each and every year of my term—the kind of dough I could really use to keep the “health-insurance” wolves a safe distance from my back door—as well as the official opportunity to tell Vladimir Putin to shove it up his Russkie dupa and go to hell in a handbasket, you betcha.

Feeling better now? Yeah yeah, I thought that you would. 

I decided to announce my candidacy extra early this time around rather than wait ’til a couple, three weeks before the mandated presidential election so’s to pull the fabled “October surprise” that would catapult me to comfortable lodgings located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW rather than remain in my Downtown dinky apartment without chefs on-call, diligent housekeeping and ’round the clock security/ chauffeur services.

So as your preferred candidate for the presidency of all the states in the union (although I’ll tell you, if a couple, three decided to cut ties, say your South Carolina, Texas, your Florida, and what the heck, Ida-focking-ho, I sure as hell wouldn’t lose any sleep), I figure it’s high time to go serious about getting my list of possible running mates by the short hairs, so that the people would have a better clue as to what they’d be getting into come a Kumbalek administration, what the fock. 

I know that somewheres out there is exactly the guy or gal whose name rightfully should be added to that august list that includes the likes of Elbridge “Mander” Gerry, Schuyler Colfax, Levi P. Morton, Hannibal Hamlin, Garret A. Hobart, Millard Fillmore, Mike “Fly Guy” Pence and all the other vice presidents, household names, each and every one, in every former American civics class from Natchez to Mobile, from Memphis to St. Jo’.

Since the lucky stiff I select could one day assume the catbird seat if I were to choke croaked on a chicken bone or get sent up the river on some kind of trumped up phony Republican charge, I thought I’d do a little snooping around former presidents and see if I could come up with anything even remotely resembling a quality that I’d want in my vice president. For the research, I turned to the internet that former Veep Al Gore discovered and son of a gun, how to this day I am amazed these computers can do more for you than get smut-stuff and sports scores if you put in the effort, I kid you not.

So in lieu of the rest of this essay, just so’s you got something to read while I go work on my VP list, I will publish the findings on presidents I found along with the notes I made that I can actually make out. And just to make it more fun for you’s, I tried to stick with presidents whose names may even be somewhat familiar to at least a couple of you’s.

• President Taft, who weighed 340 lbs., got stuck in his bathtub on his Inauguration Day and had to be pried out by his attendants. His bathtub was large enough for four averaged-sized men. (Not a bad idea, except as president I’d make sure that tub was big enough for three averaged-sized gals, and me. But seriously, I never thought of choosing a big, big guy for my vice president, so maybe I ought to see what former Green Bay Packer Gilbert Brown is up to these days. He’s African American to boot, and that sure wouldn’t weigh down the Kumbalek ticket, I’m guessing.)

• Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital.

• President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other—simultaneously! (Big focking deal. I can watch an “Andy Griffith” episode on my TV and ignore my landline phone ringing with a call from Spam Risk at the same time, you betcha.))

• Andrew Jackson was the only U.S. president to believe the world is flat.(Yeah, and I can just hear George W. having said, “Ha-ha, see? I’m not the only one.”)

• The first president to ride in an automobile was William McKinley. After being shot, he was taken to the hospital in a 1901 Columbia electric ambulance. (Kind of a “good news—bad news” deal there, ain’a?)

• Gerald Ford pardoned Robert E. Lee posthumously of all crimes of treason.(I’ll be sure to administer current-events quiz to all VP possibilities.)

• George Washington was deathly afraid of being buried alive. After he died, he wanted to be laid out for three days just to make sure he was really dead. (Hey stick a fork in him, he’s done all right already.)

• The Roman emperor Caligula made his horse a senator. (Man oh manischewitz, no downsized government for those Romans, ain’a? Maybe I should be emperor instead of president. They used the whole goddamn horse whereas in our Senate today, the president gets only the posteriors to work with.)

• Richard Nixon left instructions for “California, here I Come” to be the last piece of music played, softly and slowly, at his funeral were he to die in office.(Yeah, no such luck.)

• All U.S. presidents have worn glasses.

• No president was an only child. (And each one had at least one nitwit knobshine as a sibling, I’m sure.)

• John Quincy Adams took his last skinny-dip in the Potomac on his 79th birthday. (And I’m thinking Halle Berry could take her first Potomac skinny-dip on her election as my vice president. If the Secret Service can dig up some water-wings for me, I might even swim along. Sail to the Chief!)

Just checking back in to see how you’re doing. I haven’t made much headway on my Veep list, sorry to say, but I’m going to keep working on it because as in the historic tradition of many of the men who served our country in the land’s highest office, it’s the least I can do ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.