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This handout photo released by the European Southern Observatory on November 20, 2017 shows an artist's impression of the first interstellar asteroid: Oumuamua. This unique object was discovered on 19 October 2017 by the Pan-STARRS 1 telescope in Hawaii. Subsequent observations from ESO's Very Large Telescope in Chile and other observatories around the world show that it was travelling through space for millions of years before its chance encounter with our star system. `Oumuamua seems to be a dark red highly-elongated metallic or rocky object, about 400 metres long, and is unlike anything normally found in the Solar System. / AFP PHOTO / European Southern Observatory / M. Kornmesser / RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE - MANDATORY CREDIT "AFP PHOTO / EUROPEAN SOUTHERN OBSERVATORY / M. Kornmesser" - NO MARKETING NO ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS - DISTRIBUTED AS A SERVICE TO CLIENTSM. KORNMESSER/AFP/Getty Images

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, feeling a tad burned out this week so no essay for you’s, what the fock.

But as the people’s spokesperson, I feel obligated to fill this page with something or another, so I’m on my way over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school to see if any of the fellas would like to fill in for me. Tag along if you’d like, but I got to warn you that labor negotiations can be mighty tedious and technical with this crowd.

Ernie: Took a ride on that new Hop streetcar the other day. Thought it was pretty nice, but I wish they would’ve spent a little more dough and added a club car where a guy like me could go back, have a smoke and a nice cocktail while taking a gander at the sights passing by, over and over and over again.

Herbie: And it’s still got that new streetcar smell, although I’ll bet you a buck two-eighty it’s only a matter of time ’til it fades to the more familiar Milwaukee County Transit System bus fragrance I call “Ode a la Unregulated Nursing Home.”

Julius: I hear they’d like to expand the area the streetcar can go, ain’a?

Ray: But they don’ need to go into the focking suburbs, I don’t think. They already got their transportation for a select clientele. It’s called The Cop—a transit system for black guys out on the street at night that travels directly to the station.

Little Jimmy Iodine: So I was reading about all this research on brain concussions, and it made me wonder if they still had Jeffrey Dahmer’s brain in a jar somewheres ’cause they wanted to use it for science, remember?

Emil: Science?

Herbie: What do you mean, “science?” What the hell you think they’re going to use it for, a Caesar salad?

Ray: What’re they going to learn from Dahmer’s brain; how to bullshit cops?

Ernie: Good one, Ray.

Little Jimmy Iodine: Hey, Artie! Over here. Put a load on your keister.

Art: Hey gents, what do you hear, what do you know. Any you guys want to write my essay for me this week? I can’t pay you’s anything, but it’d be good exposure.

Emil: What the hell are these scientists going to find out all the time keeping these guys’ brains around for, ain’a? It’s not like these focking things can talk. The scientific rule is you got to have a body, otherwise the brain won’t work.

Herbie: And having a body is no guarantee that the brain will work, as you focking prove every goddamn time you open your mouth.

Emil: Fock you.

Little Jimmy: Scientists have to study exposed brains ’cause if the brain’s still in a guy’s head who’s alive, all you could come up with is that some guy could be acting like a focking nut but you wouldn’t technically know why his brain was telling him to act like a focking nut. See? Like it was only recently they discovered that ladies’ brains work differently than men’s do.

Ernie: Who the hell didn’t know that? Must’ve been the bachelor scientists come up with that brainstorm.

Julius: Fock exposure. Write your own damn essay Artie, you cheap knob.

Herbie: You’re telling me it’s some kind of brain chemical why the wife can’t focking parallel park the focking car to save her life, and not ’cause she wants to drive me focking nuts?

Emil: I’d say it’s focking dangerous to the public welfare to have these brains in jars laying around. What the hell, these scientists never heard of Franken-focking-stein? Yeah, a lot of people think it’s only a movie but I tell you, with the goddamn technology these days, who’s to say there’s not some nut scientist out there who’s only one brain short of creating his own personal guy? They are besmirching with disaster to us all, I swear.

Ernie: Emil, if anybody’s one brain short—it’s you, you focking nitwit. They don’t have to dick around with making up a being out of used parts like they had to in the olden days. Now they can do it with those genes in some kind of fancy pressurized tube, I shit you not.

Little Jimmy: They say they haven’t perfected the cloning yet, but I bet you a buck-two eighty they can do it. There’s a lot of stuff they never tell us. Like that time aliens from space landed in New Mexico.

Herbie: That’s a load of crap. How come these so-called aliens always crash-land in a desert or some focking hillbilly bayou? How come they never go down Fifth focking Avenue in the middle of rush hour?

Julius: A lot of Mexicans say that whole Southwest was stolen by the United States gringo, that it used to be Mexico and they want it back.

Art: Que de la fock. About the essay, guys?

Ray: Yeah, that’s just what focking Mexico needs, more cactus land with no water on it.

(It’s getting late and I know you got to go, but thanks for letting us bend your ear, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.)