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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, as we reflect upon the supposed recovery from the pandemic the other year, I’ll betcha a buck two-eighty there’s another such schmutz-and-a-half right around the corner, but don’t worry, I’ll be here to pick up the pieces to restore your faith in truth, justice and the American way, I kid you not.

And so I’m thinking were the Trumpel-thinskin (Mr. Infectious Disease) to plant his fat ass on that big-boy chair in the Oval Office once again, I imagine it would be the end of the world as we know it. Insects and ocean life may disagree as they have always carried on through global catastrophes, somebody’s got to, so god bless ’em. It’s the master’s plan I’ve heard, what the fock.

Anyways, maybe you’ve noticed that the Orange Circus Peanut is up for indictment (lock him up, please, like the serial killer of truth and justice he is) on account of his over-the big-top bullshit attempts to overturn the 2020 presidential election that factually resulted in Joe (The Delaware Defibrillator) Biden to be the one to tend the Rose Garden.

And speaking of the wish for over-turning presidential elections here in the hysterical Waves of Amber Grain, I got a list for you’s right here, you betcha.

Yes sir, I’ve heard, if not gosh darn witnessed, of lists that run from top to bottom, or vice versa, of historical and/or recent pop star/movie actor bullshit seem to be popular on the internet/blah-blah sites, lo, these days. I know you’ve perhaps clicked on such as these: The Top Ten Movie Stars Who Were Whores Off-Screen And Did Not Age Well; The Top 50 Pop Hits That You Would Rather Slit Your Throat Than Hear Again; The Top 200 Major League Baseball 2nd Basemen Who Were All-Glove and No-Hit.

Oh, my. I’ve been down that Rabbit Maranville-hole on many an occasion, cripes.

So, here for your perusal, my smokin’ hot list (a “Listical,” I’ve heard said) for you’s today is this:

The Top Five U.S. Presidential Elections That Would’ve been Most Swell To Be Overturned But Good.

From bottom to top, here goes:

Number Five: 1856. James Buchanon won over John C. Fremont. Buchanon’s notable stuff is that he was a lifelong bachelor, had a couple-three slaves, the only resident of Pennsylvania to be elected president and is most often ranked at the bottom of the list when it comes to effective presidents. John C. Fremont, not exactly a prince, but he had no truck with slavery. First Republican nominee for president.

Number Four: 1920. Warren G. Harding—the Ted Knight/Baxter of presidents. A Republican who initiated the descent of the Party of Lincoln down the shithole of scandal and bullshit, and who was deathly canceled from a heart attack shortly after schtupping a female aide in a White House closet. And yet he ranks slightly above Donald J(ackass) Trump. James Cox was the Democrat nominee, a “progressive reformer,” I’ve heard. Sounds good to me, what the fock.

Number Three: 1972. Richard (“I am not a crook”) Nixon versus Democrat U.S. Sen. George McGovern from the Mount Rushmore State. George would’ve ended that ferkakta Vietnam debacle pronto, which would’ve meant I didn’t have to pay attention to the Draft Lottery in December of that year. I drew the less-than-swell No. 76, and so I was called in for a physical exam to assess my fitness to kill those who resided on a continent faraway. I starved myself for a good couple-three weeks. Journeyed down to the Downtown military office then on North Fifth or Sixth street a half-a-block north of Wisconsin Avenue. Failed the physical and so no 1-A for Artie ’cause I didn’t meet the weight requirement. Never got called back for an update exam, but I’ve attempted to punch above my weight but good ever since, you betcha.

Number Two: 1968. Hubert “The Happy Warrior” Humphrey lost to “The New” Nixon in a buzzer-beater. Yes, that Hubert Horatio Humphrey from out of Minnesota, vice president who got sucked into LBJ’s war propaganda machine, but also the original Triple H who was this: “A dedicated advocate for civil rights, Humphrey gained national attention in 1948 for his powerful Democratic convention speech calling for full equality regardless of race, class, or religion. He served as floor manager for the Civil Rights Act of 1964.” Had there been but 10 more days left to the campaign season, today we could be talking about one of our great presidents rather than reminiscing how guys and gals sported Richard Nixon masks at Halloween parties back in the ’70s.

Number One: A tie! Wouldn’t you know. 2000: Al (Green Acres) Gore v. George W(hat the fock) Bush. And 2016: Hillary Clinton v. The Shillsbury Dough Boy. What these two have in common regarding a beneficial overturn would obviously be well-being of a nation, of a planet not to mention the U.S. Supreme Court, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. And as always, your questions, comments and criticisms are welcome, if not exactly accepted. Thank you for your attention.

So, I got to go. My buddy Little Jimmy Iodine should be calling very soon so’s we can make plans for getting down by the lakefront there for the German Fest, where the musical squeeze box is king, or perhaps kaiser, fock if I know.

(Time out: What is the definition of a gentleman? A guy who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t. Ba-ding! [Sorry Grant K., I had to go there. I owe you one, so here it is: How do you know when a sax player is at your door? They don’t know which key to use or when to enter. Ba-ding-ding-ding!]).

And finally, a heartfelt salute to Mr. Anthony Dominick Benedetto, a friend of a friend of mine, who abso-focking-lutely did indeed enjoy the good life. Your voice will always fill my ears while you play among the stars. See ya’. I’ll be the guy sportin’ the orange ear-flap cap and carrying a late-model burnished Selmer tenor. Would love to sit in with you some day, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.