It’s the Stupidity, Cupid

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Art Kumbalek Valentine heart

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And to whom it may concern, I was reminded the Valentine’s Day is just around the corner when I was in the tavern last night slapping on the final shellac to this essay. I heard one guy say, “My wife’s an angel.” And the guy next to him says, “You’re lucky. Mine’s still alive.” 

Ba-ding! Yeah yeah, these are the kinds of joints I haunt when able, rare my olden days. But god bless them all, those with bar change on the table, an expired bus card in the pocket and sweet-home is the stool their butt be placed, what the fock.

And so with the Valentine’s Day, I’d like to remind the gents that I’ve read that the ladies supposedly really go for a guy with a sense of humor. You might want to take that with a grain of salt though, ’cause if that was so true how come my name’s Art Kumbalek and not Don focking Juan? You tell me. And then I’ll tell you that it couldn’t hurt to try out a little humor on your gal while you strap on the feedbag at your fancy-schmancy Valentine’s dinner, especially if it’s the first time you’s are out together.

Here’s a couple, three little stories free-of-charge that are guaranteed to impress and which you should memorize so you don’t get caught with your pants down in the humor department, what the fock.

Here’s a little story I’ve heard (historically accurate? Fock if I know) regarding a couple of British white guys back in the sorta latter part of the 19th century when they finally met up over there in Africa. The principle players in this story are journalist Henry Morton Stanley and the missionary Dr. David Livingstone. 

After a lengthy, grueling search, Stanley finally finds Livingstone near the shores of Lake Tanganyika. 

“Dr. Livingstone, I presume?” Stanley says. “You got that right, Hank. The drums told me you were looking for me, what the fock. Nice to see you. Listen, before we go on, I got to tell you this story I just heard this morning that just might soften the “stiff” in your upper lip, I kid you not.

“OK, here goes: Two cannibals, father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. Deep into the jungle they went and waited near a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son says, ‘Hey Pops, how ’bout that one?’ And the dad cannibal says, ‘No son. Not enough meat to even feed the dogs. We’ll wait.

Little while later, along comes a really large woman. Son says, ‘Hey Dad, she’s plenty big enough, ain’a?’ The dad says, ‘We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll wait.

An hour later, strolling along is an abso-focking-lutely gorgeous gal. Son says, ‘She’s perfect. Let’s eat her.’ Dad says, ‘No, we’ll not eat her either.’ Son says, ‘Why the heck not?’ Dad cannibal says, ‘Because we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.’ Ba-ding!

So, too lengthy for your Valentine’s date? So, how ’bout this one:

Three women are standing before St. Peter and his obedient right-hand angel at the Pearly Gates. He says to them:

“Before entering, you must answer this simple question: Had you led a moral and upright life on Earth?”

“Oh yes,” the first woman said. “I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married.” “Very good,” St. Peter said. “Angel, give this girl the golden key.” 

“And how have you morally conducted yourself?” he asked the second woman. 

“Quite well,” she said. “I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.”

“I see,” said St. Peter. “Angel, give this woman the silver key.” 

“Have you been moral and upright according to the teachings?” he asked the third. 

“Oh no, not at all, Pete,” she said. “I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.”

“Good lord!” St. Peter said. “Angel, give this woman... my room key.” Ba-ding!

OK, so maybe there’s this one to share with your Valentine newbie, especially if she’s been previously betrothed:

This guy hadn’t been feeling so hot for a while, so the wife takes him to see the doctor. Doctor examines the guy every which way and tells him he’s got a very serious condition of which he needs to speak to his wife about in private. 

So the doctor says to the wife, “Your husband’s condition is so serious that he could die any day. However, there is one way you can save his life. For six months, you must cook three extremely well-balanced meals a day for him, vigilantly keep the house spotless from dust, and energetically and creatively cohabit the connubial nighttime boudoir—spiked heels and fishnet stockings a plus. And madam, if you perform these tasks in full throttle, your husband will recover to lead a rich and full life.”

So the wife thanks the doctor and meets her hubby in the waiting room. Naturally, he wants to know what the doctor said. She takes a deep breath, looks deeply into his eyes and says, “The doctor said you’re going to die.” Ba-ding!

Finally, if your Valentine date shows up for your romantic dinner unexpectedly with her five-year-old from a previous relationship and you are now headed to dine at Chuck E. Cheese, you can always break the awkward ice with the unforeseen whippersnapper with this:

“Hey Kiddo! What’s green and yellow, and hangs from trees. Give up? Giraffe snot! Ba-ding!

So, good luck and god speed with your love and romance for the Valentine’s. And as I’ve said many times, here, there and everywhere—Do not forget what the Greek philosopher Anonymous said about that: “The ideal relationship can only be achieved when one partner is blind, and the other is deaf,” you betcha, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so