Liberty Not Mutual

Expand

Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here’s a newsy bit to start your day (to borrow a phrase from the late, great Alex Thien of the Milwaukee Sentinel).

A German friend and reader of mine sent me something titled this, The freest countries in the World in 2022.

www.kartal24.com/en/freest-countries-world

This report comes from an outfit called the Freedom House, and about them I quote: Published since 1973, Freedom in the World is Freedom House’s is an annual global report that assesses the state of political rights and civil liberties in 209 countries and territories around the world… (Reads like they could use a proofreader over there, ain’a?) The ratings considered include the electoral process, political pluralism and participation, the functioning of government, freedom of expression and belief, association and organizational rights, the rule of law and personal autonomy, individual rights.

Okey-doke. I thought I’d check out this “freest countries” list, expecting that the US of focking-A would top the chart. I mean what the fock, “We’re Number One” in any context, so I’ve often heard. Just for starters, we’ve got the freedom to casually purchase assault rifles so as to then have the freedom to shoot up a grocery store or elementary school. We’ve got the freedom to “elect” Republican state legislators and such who then have the freedom to needlessly complicate, squash if not outright kibosh the process to vote for those who are melanin-centric and may appear less white than Bing-focking-Crosby and also may suspiciously possess too many vowels in their surname to boot, for cripes sakes.

All right, time to scroll down from the introductory blah-blah and peruse their “World Freedom Ranking,” and what the fock? Finland, next-door-neighbor to focking Russia (can’t imagine those people don’t have a case of the heebie-jeebies, lo, these days) is numero uno based on “total score,” a portion of that score I imagine based on the freedom to purchase as much long underwear as you can so’s you don’t freeze your focking ass off 13 months out of the year, I kid you not.

Next on your list you got your usual freedom suspects: Norway, Sweden, New Zealand (now I know why the Femmes’ Brian Ritchie chose to reside there), Netherlands (pot smoking with naked prostitutes, sign me up)—and not-so usual to my recollection of freedom-mish countries, at the sixth spot is Uruguay, who had a bad bad-news dictatorship back in the ’70s and now apparently it’s seashells and balloons when it comes to an individual’s enjoyment of freedom.

And joining Uruguay at a rating of “98 Free” is our Maple Leaf neighbors to the north, Canada, whose national film board produced the most boring-ass films (“King Coal”) an eighth-grade student would ever have to sit/sleep through during an intended “science class.”

I did some research, this country called Canada. I discovered that the national bird is the gray jay—I would’ve beta buck two-eighty on the Canadian goose. But hey, fock the Canadian constantly full-of-shit goose, a bird that may only deserve to be well-prepared and served on a warm plate at your table in a nice restaurant rather than the symbol of a proud nation who ranks a lofty seventh on the “World Freedom List.”

And so I scrolled further down this list to locate the position of an exceptional North American country that disastrously spent big-time bucks and lives to give freedom’s breath to a southeast Asian country by relieving the Communist chokehold they were putting up with.

I scrolled, and I scrolled, past Japan (96 free), Germany (94 free)—didn’t we fight a world war against those two for freedom? Apparently they learnt a lesson—Marshall Islands (93 free), Chile for fock’s sakes (93 free), Slov-focking-akia (90 free), Italy, former Axis Power affiliate (90 free), Antigua and Barbuda (85 free). AND…

I’m still scrolling, downward on the Freedom List, scrolling, scrolling… and HELLO! Finally The Mayflower has docked, jeez louise, down there ranked at about 60-61st on the list rated at “83 free,” which is about 20 spots below former Soviet satellite Czech Republic (91 free) and, good lord, one notch below Mon-focking-golia (84 free), but encouragingly we are one notch above Trinidad and Tobago not to mention Poland and Ghana. It is to laugh.

And before I forget, please use caution when dealing with conspiracy theories with this latest virus that may be making the rounds, the one called “monkeypox.” So far, there seems to be but a small number of cases here in the Amber Waves of Grain (Freedom! We’re number 60!). However, I would suggest that if you have a sudden urge to put on a bell boy outfit and smoke a cigar while roller skating, you go see a doctor if you can focking afford it.

Anyways, as I recall Mr. Thien would most often include an anecdote or humorous aside to close his column, and so I shall follow suit. And since June is matrimonial month, try this on:

A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her soon-to-be groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him. “What in the world are you doing with those golf clubs in church?” she whispers. “Well,” he says, “this isn’t going to take all afternoon, is it?”

Ba-ding! ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.