Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, it’s early-voting week for the primary, so I suggest you VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! now before our state Republicans and Russians finagle a way that the only people ever allowed to vote are white Republican Trumpites who live in Honky-sha County, what the fock.
Yeah yeah, seems like it could be a slow summertime week here, so what with the PGA Championship teeing off this week, I thought I’d share a little story for all of you’s golf fans:
So this guy was not having his best day on the golf course. After he choked on a six-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. The guy says, “It’s the wife. She’s taken up golf and since she’s been playing, she’s cut my sex down to once a focking week.” And his partner says, “That’s nothing, She’s cut some of us out altogether!” Ba-ding!
Hey, I heard the other day that Pope Francis said that the “death penalty is unacceptable in all cases.” And I’m shocked, shocked that President Trumpel-thinskin hasn’t so far tweet-pissed all over the pontiff for sounding so un-American, ain’a?
I’m sure the pope, and a bunch of like-thinkers, considered the question of whether or not the guy or gal to be executed might actually be innocent and putting innocent people to death was supposed to be for private-industry types like what Doc “Black Jack” Kevorkian used to do. And if the government starts executing too many innocent people, it could be used as an example of the goddamn government dicking around with free enterprise and trying to horn in again.
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But then there’s the example of the state of Texas, where they choose to croak the whole kit and caboodle—guilty and innocent—then let God sort ’em out ’cause that’s the Christian way to do it. They believe that when you get to the Pearly Gates, if God figures you’re innocent he gives you the green light to come on in and what the fock, heaven sure beats sitting around in prison for the rest of your life, ain’a? And if you’re guilty as sin after all, he sends you to hell, which from what I hear is exactly like being dirt poor and living in the Lone Star State, so big focking deal.
And I’ve got a hunch that an expanded death penalty is sky high on the Trump to-do list ’cause I’m sure he’s got a list of preferred candidates yea long, I kid you not. Of course, he’d prefer to turn the executions into a reality TV/entertainment shebang, maybe on a pay-per-view like the Big-Time Wrestling. But I suspect he’d have to really jazz it up or it would be goddamn butt-boring but good, ’cause who the hell wants to pay good money just to watch some guy laying on a cot get a shot in the arm and then just go to sleep ’till he croaks?
Very little value for your entertainment dollar, there. By executive order, Trump will get the government out of the capital punishment racket and turn it over to the private sector. Let the people over at the Focks nutwork handle a show like that: “America’s Wildest and Wackiest Death Row Executions”—load up an old Pinto or some kind of van with these cons and drive it off Pike’s Peak. Or maybe send a bunch of these bastards and enemies-of-the-people up in a hot-air balloon and for $10 a bullet, members of the general public get a shot at bringing that baby down to Earth, what the fock.
And before I forget, speaking of voting, how the hell does some dink state like a Delaware rate two senators when your Big Ten states like a Michigan or an Ohio also gets dealt only a deuce for the Senate? Come to think of it, why the hell do we even have a Delaware, except maybe for a place to dump used-up chemicals and we already got New Jersey for that; so for christ sakes, we don’t need Delaware. For that matter, we don’t need a Rhode Island or a South Carolina either. Cut them loose or make them part of another state or give them to the Palestines, but let’s do something, ain’a?
Anyways, finally, let’s wrap this now—’cause I think I’m hearing voices—with a quote from Scotty Fitzgerald: “Let me tell you about the rich. They are different from me and you.” You got that right, Gatsby. And here’s proof:
A homeless guy walks up to a ultra rich-looking woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and says “Excuse me, ma’am, but I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looks at the guy and says, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Ba-ding! ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.
