Art Kumbalek
I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, how ’bout this headline I came across on that internet thing from CBS.News:
Police in New Zealand blast Barry Manilow music to disperse anti-vaccine protesters
Oh, Mandy! I hope this tactic has been successful, because really, “anti-vaccine protesters” should be dispersed from not just New focking Zealand but from our planet and take a one-hundred-thousand- miles ride with David Bowie’s Major Tom to where no man has gone before, and then that these anti-vaccine focksticks never return, what the fock.
I would imagine ol’ Barry can’t feel too swell about this downturn on his musical legacy ’cause where will this end? “Hey, I wrote ‘I Write the Songs,’ which now they play max-loud in every cheap-ass tavern in the universe when they need to clear the house at bar-time.” Uff da, ain’a?
And maybe the way Uncle Joe Biden could get those focking Russian army soldiers to retreat from the border there on the Ukraine would be to sonically blast “Can’t Smile Without You” 24/7, you think?
So, here’s the link (I hope) to the rest of the Barry M. story:
Anyways, got to cut this essay short this week ’cause I’m off to the Uptowner tavern/charm school (where today is always at least a day before tomorrow, and yesterday may damn well be today) to discuss my political future with my multi-campaign brain trust, such as should I focus on becoming Badgerland’s next U.S. senator or governor, or both, now that becoming mayor of Milwaukee is off the books, unless I make a claim of rampant election fraud, natch’.
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Besides, it’s nearly Presidents’ Day Monday and longstanding tradition dictates me stopping by the Uptowner to celebrate and toast each and every one of our commanders-in-chief, numbers 1 to 46. Tag along if you like, but you cover the first round. Let’s get going.
Emil: Fock you guys. All I’m saying’s that maybe some of these books should be banned for the kids in school, ’cause once you start cramming imagination and curiosity down a kid’s throat, you’ll end up with a kid who is unemployable in the real world.
Little Jimmy Iodine: Hey, did you guys know George Washington had a dog named “Sweet Lips”? I kid you not.
Herbie: I think Bill Clinton had an intern went by the same name, ain’a?
Ray: Harry Truman had a dog, too. Everybody called her “Mrs. Truman.” Ba-ding!
Ernie: Hey Emil, what’s that on your schnozz?
Emil: Fock you, I’m not falling for that again. I go to the can to check in the mirror, and you’s guys swipe my bar change.
Julius: Speaking of books, I think maybe the wife’s been reading too many of these racy romance novel books during this pandemic.
Ernie: How so, Juley?
Julius: I got home from work today and she’s wearing this kind of nightie you’d see in a catalog. She says, “Tie me up and I’ll let you do anything you want.” So I tied her up and came over here.
Little Jimmy: And did you know that besides crossing the Delaware and chopping down cherry trees ’cause he couldn’t lie, George Washington introduced the jackass to America?
Ray: And that jackass today…
Little Jimmy: Hey, Artie! Over here. Put a load on your keister.
Art: Hey gents, what do you hear, what do you know.
Ernie: I know Emil’s in the can checking his nose. So let me buy you one, Artie. On Emil.
Little Jimmy: I hear those Russian ice skaters are cheating with the banned substances over by the Olympics again.
Ray: And I hear that whenever they do “Snow White on Ice” in Moscow, all the skating dwarves are Dopey, ain’a?
Julius: So the news comes on and you know what they got? Ten minutes of knobs shoveling snow, for christ sake. Ten focking minutes of snow shoveling presented by some TV station’s Storm Team somewheres; although they did show one guy with a snow blower, just to present a little balance.
Ray: If they would’ve shown some fockstick painting his garage in February, now that would be news. But snow shoveling in the winter? What the fock, ain’a?
Little Jimmy: Talk about news, I saw this Discovery TV show that said some people think the ancient Egyptians came from another planet and that’s how they knew about building pyramids and stuff. Now, that’s informative.
Herbie: Yes sir. And they discovered a whole new tomb over there a while back where about fifty sons of this one pharaoh were planted. Ramses the focking Second. He lived from 1304-1237 B.C.; so they think.
Ernie: Yeah, like they had wrist watches to keep time back then, ain’a Herbie?
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Herbie: Shut up. They said this guy Ramses actually probably had upwards one hundred sons. I tell you, they might’ve known how to put up a pyramid, but they sure didn’t know focking squat how to put on a rubber.
Ernie: Cripes, that Mrs. Ramses must’ve been one busy lady, ain’a? A hundred sons. How do you think up names for all those kids?
Herbie: You focking idiot. Those pharaohs back then had as many wives as they could stand. One hundred wives if they wanted, I shit you not.
Ray: Focking-A, that’s too many mummies for just one daddy, I don’t care who you are, ain’a?
(OK, this is going late and I know you got to go, but thanks for letting us bend your ear ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.)
