Those High-Maintenance Childhood Friends!

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Dear Shrink,

I feel like a real jerk for saying this. I have a friend from childhood who’s like a sister to me, but she’s become so high-maintenance and needy I’m ready to scream. She has a lot of drama going on in her life, and it wears me out. Lately, I find myself making up excuses for why I can’t get together. I definitely need a new strategy, because she’s picking up my resistance and asking pointed questions. Got any ideas?

The Shrink Replies

This is a tough one. There are a lot of ingredients here that most of us prefer to avoid at all costs: dealing with conflict, having to admit an unpleasant truth, owning your right to change when it is something that probably won’t be popular with your friend; shall I go on? You do need a proactive plan for this, because she’s in your life to stay, given that you feel a sisterly bond with her. Sometimes, old, long-standing friendships need tweaks and adjustments if they are to survive over the long haul.

Times change, people change and life circumstances change, often in divergent ways. The things that bonded you together in your youth aren’t necessarily the things that will keep you together now. The most durable long-term friendships have a way of changing and growing with the times versus relying solely on history as the glue that holds people in place with each other.

You can’t go on avoiding her, so you have to summon some bravery and creativity and change up your tired, outdated relationship pattern. Here are some ideas. I suggest you find another friend or partner who knows about your predicament to role-play with as you explore different ways to communicate with your challenging friend.

• Set Limits

Since your pal has gotten in the habit of turning to you as an ever-patient sounding board, attentively listening to her venting about her latest relationship or work drama, you need to take the lead on doing it differently. You can’t change her, but if you change the way you interact with her, the dynamic between the two of you will shift.

For example, if she wants to meet for a glass of wine after work, and your experience has been that one glass turns into two, turns into dinner, etc., be firm in setting a time limit from the get-go: “I can grab a quick drink, but I need to be home by 7.” She won’t be used to you actually getting up and leaving, but be strong and do it. Even if you’re having a good time and her kvetching is at a minimum, stick to your limit anyway. It’s good practice for those times when she’s in her “woe is me” place and you really do need to remove yourself.

• Be Honest About the Easy Stuff

If your texting or phone conversation is going on way too long, firmly let her know you have to stop. You’re fried, you had an intense day at work, you’re on the edge of a headache and need to close your eyes and chill for a while—all of which could be absolutely true! You don’t have to add that you really just can’t hear another mind-numbing re-hash of the latest episode about her partner cheating on her.

Be prepared for her to blow right past your desire to end the conversation. This is why you need some rehearsal time to have a partner roleplay her likely responses so you’re prepared for them rather than getting worn down in the moment and caving in the face of her persistence.

• Be More Proactive and Less Reactive

Though she drives you crazy at times, there are other times she doesn’t, right? If there are things you enjoy doing together—especially outer-focused activities like going to a movie or maybe a cooking class—be the first one to propose it. This gives you more control over what, when and where and provides a built-in limit-setting strategy. Engaging in more active pursuits might leave less time for the extended monologues about her problem du jour.

• Be Consistent and Predictable

You have a busy life, and there’s only so much time to go around. This might seem too structured, but tell her you’re trying a new approach to social activities by putting people on a regular rotation. Decide how much time you are able to spend with her—a half-hour walk after work twice a week, dinner every other Tuesday, etc. If you are avoiding her and she feels it, her efforts to corral you will only increase.

She’s afraid you’re abandoning her, so don’t abandon. But give only the time to her that you can lovingly give without resentment. It may take a while to figure out what that looks and feels like, but give it a shot. It may not be enough for her, but it’s what you have to offer at this point in time. You have the right to define your own limits, and hopefully she will respect that.

• Talk More About Yourself

If she monopolizes conversations, maybe it’s time for you to even things out and take equal time to talk about things you have on your mind. When faced with a person who seems to attract drama, it feels as though they suck all of the air out of the room when you’re with them.

Friendship is a two-way street. You may be cast in the role of the “wise counselor” or “the one who’s got it all together,” and that allows her to maintain her one-down position as the “damsel in distress.” Change up the equation. Everyone’s got a little drama going on in their life, and she’s an expert on the subject! Next time, try being the one who needs her and see what wise advice she has to dispense.

Human beings are decidedly imperfect characters, works in progress. We’re all in it together, keeping each other company along the way. Try to see beyond your friend’s annoying quirks and be grateful that she’s been walking next to you for a long time, for better and for worse.

On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care.

Send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.