When Drinking Becomes Problem Drinking

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Dear Shrink,

I think my brother is an alcoholic. We have an annual ritual of going to Summerfest together, but every year, his stack of beer cups gets bigger and bigger. His drinking has cost him relationships, and I know he drives when he’s had too much. He jokes about having a problem but isn’t interested in getting help and shuts me down when I bring it up. Does he need help? If so, how can I help him?

The Shrink Replies:

You don’t have to look far to find statistics that tell you that Wisconsin has a serious issue with “problem drinking.” Isn’t there an old quip about Milwaukee having a bar on every corner? The supply and demand for alcohol around here is legendary. And, while many of us can appreciate the artistry of a great, local craft beer, we’re able to enjoy one or two and call it quits. Some people, however, don’t have an off switch when it comes to alcohol, and it sounds as if your brother might just fall in that camp.

The good news is he has someone (you) who cares enough about him to be concerned for his welfare. The bad news, though, is there’s not much you can do about it unless he wants to get help. In Alcoholics Anonymous, the “First Step” of the program states: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable.” People in recovery from alcoholism can tell you how long it took—and how far they had to fall—before they got to that epiphany.

It’s really hard to watch him drink himself into utter self-destruction and know there’s absolutely zero control you have over whether he continues to choose to do so. That said, however, here are some sanity-saving choices you can make:

• Educate yourself about alcoholism. Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to understanding this really perplexing condition when you yourself don’t suffer from it. Logically, you don’t get why he can’t stop or slow down and just “have a couple.” Whether he has chronic alcoholism or periodic episodes of binge drinking, he is not a flawed guy but an unhealthy one. And, logically, people who aren’t well typically want to be treated and get better. But alcoholism is an illness that defies logic; it’s hard for a drinker to give up something he really enjoys despite the destruction that it causes. Try an Al-Anon meeting to get some support and hear how other people deal with a loved one’s drinking.

• Re-decide how you’re willing and able to spend time with him. You might have a history of hilarious stories regarding your own drunken escapades, but it’s just not that fun for you anymore. Some folks can get a little crazy with booze when they’re young. But people who don’t have a drinking problem typically “age out” of the excessive consumption and decide at some point that the lousy consequences (nasty hangovers?) just aren’t worth it. Let him know that you’ll hang out with him, but if his drinking starts to bother you, you’re going to leave. It’ll be hard because there’s a part of you that might want to stay and “protect” him and make sure he gets home safely. But it’s no fun to be with someone getting progressively drunker (and maybe more obnoxious?) while you’re either not drinking at all or have reached your limit and stopped.

• Let him know your concerns in a more constructive way. If the only time his drinking behavior gets brought up is when he’s actually drinking, talk with him about it when he’s sober. First, prepare for the conversation and have a plan for what you’ll do when he tries to shut it down. Make a list of the things you’ve observed over the years: how much or often he drinks, how his behavior or mood changes, people who’ve been affected by his drinking and in what way (including yourself), etc. Describe your worries about his health, his driving, his overall condition. Make sure to add how much you care about him and don’t mean to bug him or tell him how to run his life. Write all of this down in a bullet-pointed letter and use it for your talking points. If he gets defensive or angry with you, stop the conversation but leave the letter with him, ask him to read it, then give him a few days and check in to see if he wants to talk about it. If he ignores you or says “Nope,” then accept that and know you did your part by speaking your mind honestly and directly.

Unfortunately, people who have a serious alcohol problem, even if they get treatment, have a daunting task ahead of them in kicking the habit. Actually, the easiest thing is to stop drinking alcohol-containing beverages—and that’s really, really hard for most people. The more difficult thing is learning how to live without the trusty social companionship and security blanket that alcohol offers. Someone in deep emotional pain (whether they’re conscious of it or not) really likes the idea of having a handy anesthetic to numb the blows from the slings and arrows of life.

So, the best you can do for your brother is to love him and tell him you’ll have his back. And sometimes that means walking away for a bit and doing that from a distance, all the while knowing that his life and decisions are in his hands, not yours.

On the Couch is written by a licensed mental health professional. Her advice is not meant as a substitute for mental health care. You can send your questions to onthecouch@shepex.com.