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Green apples (one red)
“I want to know what's going on,” Ron insisted, eyes glued on Tina, his wife of 20 plus years.
Unfazed, she replied, “Like I told you, I’m growing and changing, that’s all. I’m tired of the same old me.”
Historically a “steady as she goes” type, Tina’s deviations from that norm convinced Ron they needed to talk things over with a third party, yours truly. Her behavioral changes, while within culturally appropriate limits, were clearly outside the behavioral lines to which her spouse had grown accustomed. Despite her reassurances, a series of alterations in Tina's activities, musical preferences, appearance and spiritual beliefs left Ron unnerved. She went from homebody to volunteer maven, ditched soft rock in favor of blues and jazz, dyed her hair, took her “stuffy” clothes to Goodwill and purchased trendy outfits. She even changed churches.
“What do you think?” Ron asked me, hoping I’d align with his perspective.
“Frankly, I think consistency is overrated,” I replied.
Overcome the Constancy Bias
There is an implicit bias in favor of constancy in human behavior and statements. Politicians who deviate from this standard by modifying their positions on issues are derisively labeled “wafflers,” implying we cannot trust someone who changes their mind, which would include most of us at some point. The idea that human personality and the opinions and behaviors flowing from it are stable over time has been disproven by psychological research. Each of us is a multi-faceted collection of varying personas rather than an unwavering and uniform personality.
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But the bias remains, so persons who begin behaving differently, even in a harmless fashion, often attract concern, wariness or even suspicion from those around them. The implication is that inconsistent behavior is a sign of trouble, meaning the individual in question must be “off,” heading for a fall or up to no good. In my profession, deviations from habitual behavior warrant concern only if they damage the individual’s well-being. Still, more than a few people find their way to mental health types, often at the behest of others, because of alarm over changes in longstanding routines (“He’s not himself”).
What is the origin of this bias? Long ago, our ancestors learned that significant alterations in their environment, including relationships, could pose a threat. This constitutes part of our psychological early warning system, one that served us well from a survival standpoint. After all, when our circumstances are stable, any change has the potential to upset the equilibrium, and we humans generally prefer order and predictability over disarray and randomness. Some of us, like Ron, can be obsessive in this regard, meaning we grow anxious and controlling when someone in our surroundings wanders outside the lines.
Clearly, there is a place for consistency. Habitual routines are efficient and provide a margin of predictability that damps down generalized anxiety. And there are specific situations where this attribute demonstrates one's integrity and trustworthiness. However, life is change, so demanding unwavering consistency, whether from others or oneself, can be both unrealistic and detrimental. In some, it can spawn intellectual and behavioral rigidity, which contribute to a host of problems, including obsessions, compulsions, depression, interpersonal conflicts, boredom and a lack of adaptability in the face of shifting existential sands.
One source of this couple’s distress resulted from their different mindsets. Ron possessed what we call a “fixed mindset,” one valuing same-old, same-old. Tina had a “growth mindset,” that which favors new ideas and experiences. To his credit and with some reassurance, Ron was able to lower his anxiety about his wife’s deviations from her norm. Over time, he recognized that, while different in some ways, her core values remained intact (consistent), and that her new behaviors were not a prelude to something earth-shattering. So, it’s not consistency per se, but how it affects our lives that matters.
As Emerson said, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.”
Don’t let one haunt your life.
For more, go to philipchard.com.
