Mindy was what some therapists call a “professional client.” In her well-meaning efforts to repair the emotional damage done to her as a child, which was considerable, she engaged a plethora of shrinks, treatment regimens, support groups, medications and self-help practices. Her mental odyssey began in college, so, by the time she reached her forties, it became a defining aspect of her sense of self.
The large fly in Mindy’s life ointment was the emotional trauma she suffered at the hands of her deeply disturbed family. These unhappy circumstances left her with chronic angst, moodiness and a strong predisposition for self-reproach, but all her forays into treatment failed to ease this burdensome legacy. Upon first meeting, she presented a detailed chronology of her treatment efforts, including a synopsis of research into her condition.
“What else should I try?” she asked.
“How about acceptance?” I replied. “Perhaps it’s time to stop trying to fix yourself and adapt around who you are instead of who you want to be.”
Mindy was momentarily speechless. To suggest she stop banging her head against the proverbial wall and make peace with herself was brand new to her.
“How do I make that happen?” she asked.
Healing Path
Self-acceptance is not some glib sleight of mind for those at the end of their psychological rope. It is a healing path in its own right, one that enhances well-being while also catalyzing positive transformations in one's identity and behavior. As noted psychoanalyst Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” In fact, when we truly accept ourselves, we have already changed. One moves from self-criticism or self-rejection to self-affirmation. This, in turn, catalyzes an alteration in one’s identity.
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In striving to help ourselves, sometimes we push against the wrong barrier, not the one actually standing between us and who we want to be. We attack the supposed problem—anxiety, depression, guilt, resentment, regrets, anger—when the real impediment to healing is self-rejection. This refusal to embrace one’s self as-is makes it difficult or impossible to create positive change in the future. All one’s psychological energy focuses on snuffing out the problem, rather than nurturing personal growth.
Sometimes, this mindset comes in curious clothing. For some, even participating in psychotherapy can inadvertently generate self-criticism. The underlying theme can be, “I’m broken and need to be fixed.” To avoid this unhappy scenario, it is vital that the therapist genuinely affirm the essential self of the client, rather than join them in throwing the mental baby out with the bath water. We need to remember we are not just the problem bedeviling our existence, and whatever it may be, what we grapple with does not fully define us.
How does one know when to cease the “fix me” struggle and, instead, focus on being at peace with “it is what it is”? Not an easy call. Basically, if repeated efforts at personal change yield little or no improvement while creating a sense of emotional exhaustion with the process, yet one still maintains an adequate level of functioning in daily life, letting go may be the best course.
“I didn’t realize that, subconsciously, my efforts to change came with a heavy dose of self-rejection,” Mindy later told me. “I’ve been pretty hard on myself, and it feels better to start accepting who I am, warts and all.”
One method she employed involved standing before a mirror each morning and evening. She would look herself in the eyes and, out loud, thank herself for having done her best, despite her many challenges. As one therapist put it, “Work on being in love with the person in the mirror who has been through so much but is still standing.”
More often than not, the embrace of self-acceptance is a necessary prelude to personal transformation. Unless they are severe or debilitating, one's symptoms or flaws may not be the enemy. Rather, the real adversary becomes the rejection of self that is implicit in constantly striving to fix one's shortcomings.
Sometimes, emotional healing is less about repairing our brokenness and more about accepting it as part of who we are.
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