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Happy banana
Many of us search for the so-called keys to happiness. In our often crazy-making world of hurrying and hassling, many folks sense greater life satisfaction is out there somewhere, somehow, but they just aren’t sure how to reach it. This longing has spawned a happiness industry replete with self-help books, experts, and an entire positive psychology movement. Among other things, these sources tell us that giving, being grateful, creating positive social bonds, forgiving others, engaging in meaningful work and a healthy lifestyle are all part of the happiness recipe. And they are. However, there is another essential ingredient we often overlook and, not surprisingly, that proves quite difficult for many to embrace.
I’m referring to self-acceptance, which, by the way, constitutes one of the most powerful variables determining one’s overall happiness. A study involving 5,000 subjects found that, among the many actions we can take to improve our life satisfaction, compassionately embracing oneself is the least practiced. While many of the other behaviors associated with greater happiness do help us feel better about ourselves, there can be a stark difference between “I like what I did” versus “I like who I am.”
Mary illustrated this point. She was generous, engaged with others, took time to express gratitude, lived healthy, found meaning in her activities and was generally quick to forgive. Unfortunately, these did not prove sufficient. She remained displeased with her life.
“I’m not very fond of myself,” she told me, going on to detail a list of personal failings.
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Balancing Act
Self-acceptance can be a precarious balancing act, but an important one. Not enough of it and one is prone to depression, guilt, shame, various addictions and even self-harm. However, too much of this potentially good thing and one runs the risk of arrogance, narcissism and even sociopathic behavior. Finding a proper balance can be challenging, as evidenced by how many fundamentally good souls harbor an unfair degree of self-criticism.
The cause? Often, a proclivity for harsh self-judgment stems from excessively demanding and faultfinding parents, teachers or other mentors. Such was the case for Mary. In her youth, her parents were quick to emphasize her slightest failing but slow to praise even her most impressive accomplishments, which were many. In addition, folks who place high expectations on themselves, as Mary did, can, when they fall short of their goals, inadvertently create a cycle of self-criticism that makes this all the worse.
So, Mary faced the rather daunting task of finding a way to accept herself for tendencies and behaviors she was taught were unacceptable or disappointing to others. What’s more, she needed to adjust her expectations away from being perfect to simply “good enough.” The recently released World Happiness Report noted that overly high expectations and happiness are inversely correlated. When self-acceptance depends on being perfect or best, the risks to one’s life satisfaction increase dramatically.
So, liking oneself is often a steep psychological hill that many of us need to climb, but how? Usually, this involves challenging the repetitive mental scripts in our minds that silently “speak” to us in a judgmental fashion, sometimes resembling the actual voices of one’s critics. To address this, Mary created another inner speaker that was more forgiving, tolerant and empathic than the other prevailing voices in her head. She fashioned this alternative voice in the vocal likeness of a close friend, someone who always had her back. At first, this process felt contrived but, over time, it grew stronger and more authentic.
Setting reasonable expectations for ourselves and nudging our self-talk toward greater self-acceptance is often a lifelong commitment rather than some temporary or one-off approach to greater well-being. Unlike other paths to happiness, this method places a greater emphasis on simply being a person with intrinsic value rather than someone who must do certain things to prove their worth.
We’re often told that being kind to others is one of the keys to happiness. It is. But for those like Mary, it’s also necessary to do unto oneself what one does unto others.
