Illustration by Michael Burmesch
Forgiveness heart
Forgiveness. For many of us, that proves a tough nut to crack. Often, when we harbor chronic resentment toward someone we feel has done us wrong, the emotional toxicity gradually intensifies. This mental toxin feeds on its host, not its target, which is why proponents of positive psychology encourage us to forgive ... or suffer the emotional, physical and spiritual consequences.
How do we know whether we are suffering the ill effects of being unforgiving? Along with the usual suspects—anxiety, depression and agitation—a key symptom is obsessive ruminating over the offending party and their hurtful actions. It feels like one is haunted by the painful memories. Liz was one such soul.
“I just feel sour inside, like being emotionally sick to my stomach,” she struggled to explain.
Letting Go
She felt incapable of letting go of resentment toward those who wronged her, which included some family and co-workers. Her reflexive approach was to write these persons off, or, if impossible, to minimize her interactions with them and, when those occurred, exhibit a cold-as-ice demeanor.
“I often ruminate about what these people said or did to me that was unfair or unkind,” she confessed.
Most of us have at least one person we can’t seem to forgive, which is understandable. There are offenses, particularly those driven by intentional malice, that don’t seem to deserve absolution, at least in the absence of a sincere apology from the perpetrator. Research suggests the most difficult offenses to forgive involve breaches of trust, such as embezzlement or infidelity, as well as being victimized, socially ostracized or harshly bullied. So, while Liz finally recognized her bitterness was corrosive to her well-being, she felt incapable of granting pardons to all. She embraced the common belief that we possess only two choices in such matters—forgive the person and make peace or remain bitter. Not so.
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Bury the Hatchet
The most clear-cut form of forgiveness is when we bury the hatchet with the other party, a reconciliation made far easier when that person apologizes for their misdeed. However, even when the offender is contrite, it can be challenging. It’s one thing to let go of rancor toward someone, but another altogether to interact with the offending person in a positive manner going forward. What’s more, when that individual remains unapologetic, the challenge is more about coming to terms with one’s self than them.
“When we can’t bring ourselves to forgive someone, and the bitterness is taking a toll on us, there is another way through,” I suggested to Liz.
If the offending party has no remorse, fails to apologize or is inaccessible (won’t respond, incapacitated, deceased, etc.), that doesn’t prevent us from letting go of our resentment. How? Acceptance. This does not require forgiving the other person. What it does require is letting go of the desire for fairness, a just outcome or a self-affirming resolution. It involves adopting the attitude of “It is what it is ... and will remain so.” Realizing there won’t be a satisfactory resolution and accepting that as an unchangeable reality helps the mind and heart let it go.
Releasing Ritual
If we struggle to embrace acceptance, as many do, it sometimes helps to employ a “releasing ritual” that engages the feeling brain not just the thinking one. Liz’s approach focused on an estranged relative who sent her scathing letters crammed with self-righteous criticism. They hadn’t spoken in years. In a ritual fashion, she burned the letters, collected the ashes and scattered them in a river at sunset. The outcome?
“I don’t think about it much anymore,” she reported. “And when I do, it feels more like disappointment than anger. I’m not churning inside.”
This kind of acceptance, as opposed to outright forgiveness, involves lightening up, unburdening oneself both emotionally and spiritually. Some years back, I was trudging through the Milwaukee airport in route to a wilderness trek, loaded down with baggage and gear, straining under the load. An elderly gentleman striding by, nothing in hand, stopped me in mid-stride.
“Do you know the Roman word for baggage?” he asked me, but despite my years of Latin, I had to admit I didn’t.
“Impedimenta,” he proclaimed before walking away.
Without acceptance, the emotional baggage of resentment weighs us down emotionally and spiritually, impeding our capacity to live our best life.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
