Image: czarny_bez - Getty Images
Child's drawing of dysfunctional family
Much of her life, Janet struggled with social anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. After some sleuthing, we traced the genesis of these perturbations to a detrimental interpersonal atmosphere in her family of origin, one that subjected her to what we shrink types call “adverse childhood experiences.” While not physically abused or neglected, she was incessantly criticized and micro-managed by her boundaryless parents.
In stark contrast, Shannon was gregarious, socially adept and self-confident. Like Janet and most of us, the foundation for who she became was laid in the milieu of her early family life where she felt emotionally safe and supported by her parents and siblings. Everyone was afforded enough interpersonal breathing room to become their own person, but also sufficient closeness to feel confident the family had their back.
Social scientists have long explored the distinctions between healthy and dysfunctional families, and a consistent pattern emerged. Healthy families, like the one Shannon enjoyed, demonstrate an attribute called “beneficial cohesiveness.” From an interpersonal standpoint, people in such families stick together in a good way. They enjoy a kind of emotional stickiness that supports rather than ensnares them.
Empathy and Caring
Cohesive families demonstrate largely harmonious interactions, and when they do experience conflicts, these are addressed openly and respectfully. That doesn’t mean people don’t get upset, angry or hurt, but, rather, that the caring nature of the family environment supports healing and recovery. This is because, most often, the family members exhibit emotional warmth, empathy and caring. That salves many wounds.
Stay on top of the news of the day
Subscribe to our free, daily e-newsletter to get Milwaukee's latest local news, restaurants, music, arts and entertainment and events delivered right to your inbox every weekday, plus a bonus Week in Review email on Saturdays.
Finally, a healthy family is a flexible one. If there are children, the parents sometimes bend a bit in applying rules and expectations. In other words, it’s not like boot camp. When an individual grows and transforms, there is a willingness among the members to adjust around those changes. Even when times are taxing, they adhere to the principle of “maintain the relationship.”
While most cohesive families exhibit these qualities, unhealthy ones tend to come in two variations—enmeshed or disengaged. Janet came from an enmeshed one. Her relationships with her parents and siblings involved considerable hostility, lots of meddling in each other’s affairs and “harmful cohesiveness”—meaning they stuck together in a damaging way. While they sometimes shared affection, this was short-lived and often abruptly replaced by anger and accusations. Experiencing her family as an emotional minefield, she kept her head down and avoided interacting, tendencies that led to her social anxiety.
Cold and Controlling
The other kind of unhealthy family (disengaged) is typified by emotionally cold, controlling and distant relationships. It tends to crank out angry children who are aggressive, alienated and, basically, who feel unloved. Whatever these kids received as a substitute for love proved insufficient to nurture their souls. Of course, should physical or psychological abuse be present, whether a family is enmeshed or disengaged, the damage escalates dramatically.
These three types—cohesive, enmeshed and disengaged—occur in all kinds of family configurations, from the typical married with children to single parent households to blended or extended ones. What’s more, these patterns prove stable over time, so once a family becomes healthy or not, it tends to remain so. Granted, family therapy sometimes improves the dynamics, but that requires members looking in the psychological mirror, acknowledging their dysfunction and investing in healing.
Aside from impacts that persist into adulthood, researchers see a clear connection between unhealthy families and significant behavior problems in their young children and teens. While certainly not the sole source of their dysfunction, kids who behave badly in school often come from families on the skids, as most teachers can attest. Granted, there are exceptions. We all know accounts of so-called “devil children” who come from healthy families and seemingly well-adjusted kids who emanate from unhealthy ones, but they are uncommon.
Like an individual, a family has its own personality, albeit a collective one. And, usually, its shared traits have profound impacts on its members. For better or worse, consider it a kind of psychological inheritance. If you’re unhappy with yours, remember, we have the power to create our own “family” through a network of close friends. As author Jim Butcher put it: “I don’t care about whose DNA was combined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching, they are your family.”
For more, visit philipchard.com.
