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Abstract face crying tears
When people say, “I tried not to cry,” I often wonder why. I heard this utterance from a buddy after he witnessed his son’s birth. He was the classic stoic male and, overall, proud of it. So, when he began weeping in the delivery room, he did his best to, as he put it, “get a grip.”
Even if crying is something you try to avoid or feel ashamed of when you can’t, it has proven health benefits, both physical and mental. It is, in fact, a positive adaptive capacity ingrained in our species that contributes to our overall well-being. Its benefits include discharging emotional energy trapped in the body, releasing mood enhancing neurochemicals, helping us process loss and grief and, at least some of the time, supporting a return to psychological homeostasis.
Why and how we shed tears is highly variable, influenced by age, gender, life experiences and cultural expectations. As for the why, people cry out of pain, loneliness, sweet sorrow, anger, love, delight, grief, awe . . . almost any human emotion, if sufficiently intense. For some, the how of crying consists of quiet tears, while for others, it manifests as weeping, sobbing or even wailing.
Emotional Safety
Clearly, in particular venues or with certain people, crying isn’t always prudent. So, to tease out the nuances, I often ask people, “Who are you comfortable crying with?” Think about it. Who affords the emotional safety necessary for you to cry in their presence and not feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about it? I suspect that’s a telling indicator of trust and emotional safety within a relationship.
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This also applies to the relationship with one’s self. Those who are comfortable in their own emotional skin may find crying natural and normal, causing them no self-conscious distress. However, those who are ill at ease with their tears may have difficulty squaring this behavior with themselves more so than other people. After all, the person you spend the most time with is you. If that relationship isn’t going well, there’s plenty of opportunity for self-criticism when the tears flow. Of course, there are those who don’t feel free to cry at all, whether alone or with others.
Now, for most, weeping is not a choice. It happens, bubbling up from the deep well of the subconscious mind, or what the neuro eggheads call the “sub-cortical brain.” Semantics aside, there is some wisdom in each of us that knows when we need to shed tears. When that wiser part of us brings on the emotional rain, then some choices emerge. If one is with others, the decision becomes whether to stay, display and interact, or to exit the vicinity in search of some privacy. If alone, the choice is more about how much to surrender to the emotions fueling those tears, which is, again, a measure of how comfortable one feels in one’s psychological skin.
Some of us weep readily, while for others, it’s like squeezing water from rock. Many who found it difficult to cry when younger become much “leakier,” as one of my clients put it, as they grow older. We’re not sure why this occurs, but it is clearly observable, particularly in males. Colleagues have suggested it accompanies a general emotional softening that men undergo as they become elders.
Some who hold back their tears do so for fear of being judged or criticized. Often, these folks grew up in a family where crying earned ridicule or even punishment. And cultural standards also have their impact. “Big boys don’t cry” is a widely criticized, but stubbornly persistent undercurrent in American culture. For example, former Speaker of the House John Boehner faced derision and public shaming for being quick to cry.
In fact, weeping is often a sign of strength, not weakness. More often than not, it requires surrendering to our emotions and to the moment, which is an act of trust . . . in one’s heart and soul, and even life itself. Albert Camus, an existential philosopher, said, “Live to the point of tears.” Crying is part of feeling fully alive. Let it flow.
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