Feeling Bad Can Be Good

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Illustration by Michael Burmesch

Negative emotions illustration

Feeling good is good and feeling bad is bad. That’s the conventional wisdom, one the mental health field embraces wholeheartedly. What’s more, studies show over 80 percent of Americans hold an optimism bias, meaning they believe you learn and benefit more from positive experiences than negative ones. Unwelcome emotions activate this bias, motivating many to dispel them as quickly as possible, often by using psychotropic drugs, self-help approaches, alcohol and other recreational drugs, as well as psychotherapy, among other “feel better” efforts. I don’t recall anyone gracing my office seeking ways to feel worse.

In-your-face cultural messages prodding us to be happy are ubiquitous, insisting that a medication, vacation, consumer goodie, peak experience or lifestyle change will do the trick. The not-so-implicit message is that experiencing emotional discomfort is dysfunctional at best and dangerous at worst, and that we should strive to be one of those bright, smiling faces that populate advertising and social media posts. This disparity between these overtly positive admonitions and the actual lived experience of most people can be huge and, to the individual, unsettling. It can lead to, “What’s wrong with me?” 

Well, there is growing scientific evidence that, within reason, feeling bad can be good for us. That may seem like blasphemy in a culture predicated on the pursuit of happiness, but the data suggest otherwise. For example, research at the University of Chicago shows that avoiding mental and emotional discomfort can cut us off from personal growth. Think about it. Learning something new often pushes us out of our comfort zones, creating stress, awkwardness, insecurities, fears about failure and the like. Yet, interpreting this kind of unease as “bad” undermines the pursuit of personal development necessary for enhancing well-being.

Positive Outcomes

Research shows that, often, so-called negative emotions can lead to positive outcomes. For example, with the right mental perspective, feeling bad can help us appreciate the blessings in our life, recognize counterproductive or even risky situations, address vexing personal issues, and motivate us to change, learn and grow. What’s the “right mental perspective?” It’s generally referred to as a “growth mindset.” Folks who inhabit this viewpoint believe all emotions have a purpose, that listening to them helps us learn about ourselves and, often, grow our resilience, behavioral flexibility and well-being. Are there exceptions? Sure, always. Emotions that overwhelm and disable can lead to bad outcomes, but even then, once the crisis is past, they too can supply grist for the learning/growing mill. Emotions, negative and positive, are messages from us to ourselves, constituting a valuable source of self-information.

Consequently, seeking to avoid uncomfortable emotions, while sometimes offering short-term relief, frequently leads to long-term dysfunction. There’s plenty of research showing overall well-being flows from experiencing the full range of human feelings, not just the peachy kind. As quoted from Ecclesiastes, “For everything there is a season … a time to cry and a time to laugh … a time to grieve and a time to dance.” I’m not suggesting we simply surrender our agency to negative feelings and wallow in passivity or self-pity. As we mental health types say, “It’s okay to visit pity city, just don’t move there.” More often, distressing emotions are a call to action, be that behavior change, introspection or learning. Not always immediate action. Sometimes it’s best to accept and sit in painful feelings for a time before engaging with them in a purposeful way. 

Accepting our distressing feelings is the ticket. Acceptance does not necessitate acting out, such as hurting someone when angry. It means acknowledging and experiencing how we feel rather than denying or avoiding it. How does this help?

• Acceptance constitutes self-affirmation (“This is my truth and I have a right to feel this way”).
• It fosters self-awareness, a critical capacity underpinning personal growth and positive behavior change.
• Acceptance reduces the perceived intensity of the bad feelings by demonstrating we can handle them, that they don’t destroy us. Consequently, we feel more agency and less impotence.
• It saves the mental energy we too often expend in a futile effort to snuff out uncomfortable feelings. 

The idea isn’t to feel good about feeling bad. It’s to make some good from the bad.

For more, visit philipchard.com.