Folks with Intimacy Avoidance

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Couple ignoring each other

You’ve heard of conflict avoidance. That’s where folks take great strides not to cross swords with others because, for them, interpersonal discord is just too anxiety-provoking. Well, there’s a parallel version of this I call “intimacy avoidance,” and it’s just like it sounds. These people find emotional closeness uncomfortable or even threatening. So, they keep others at arm’s length, sometimes including those they care for most.

Ironically, most intimacy avoidant folks still care about family and friends, sometimes deeply. But it’s one thing to care and another altogether to show it in an emotionally open or vulnerable way. Meaning, for these folks, it’s okay to love someone provided it’s done from a safe emotional distance. What’s safe? That varies between individuals, ranging from being entirely emotionally absent to largely non-expressive to keeping emotional interactions as brief as possible. As one woman told me, referring to her husband, “When I try to talk with him about how we feel about each other, I can see him inching toward the door.”

Now, it’s important to distinguish intimacy avoidant people from those who simply don’t care much, if at all, for others, such as sociopaths and malignant narcissists. In contrast, most intimacy avoiders simply possess limited capacity for expressing empathy and compassion, or fear doing so makes them appear weak. They don’t always intentionally seek to avoid intimacy. It’s just not within their psychological capacity or experiential repertoire, so they simply don’t know how to navigate that interpersonal space. 

Setting the Stage for Intimacy

“What if you’ve never known love?” one such individual asked. Experiencing love, empathy and compassion, particularly early in life, sets the stage for intimacy and emotional openness in subsequent relationships. If we grow up in their absence, allowing ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable can be a frightening prospect. So, what are the drivers behind intimacy avoidance? This varies between individuals, but fear of potential criticism or rejection, or an aversion to appearing vulnerable are frequent dynamics. Timothy was a case in point. As a child, he was bubbly and affectionate, but his dour parents didn’t look kindly on outward expressions of this sort.

“I guess they loved me, but it wasn’t obvious,” he told me.

He recounted the stern disapproval of his parents whenever he spontaneously sought hugs and kisses, and his open-heart personality often elicited teasing from his siblings. The message was clear — replace that happy face with a sober, muffled one. The same familial rules applied to any outward emotional expression, negative or positive.

“It wasn’t safe showing my feelings, so I shut down,” he concluded.

Emotionally Unavailable    

Unfortunately, this childhood learning carried over into Timothy’s adult life, later becoming an issue in his marriage. He became the stereotypic emotionally unavailable male. Ironically, when couples struggle with this disparity—one is intimacy avoidant while the other is intimacy starved—he very thing that might help resolve their standoff is often absent, and that is emotional safety. The more the intimacy hungry person pressures the avoidant one, the more uncomfortable or threatened the latter feels, often reinforcing their withdrawal.

However, just backing away and letting the avoidant person remain distant is no solution either, because they may stay there indefinitely. Provided the avoider truly wants to become more emotionally available, I encourage couples to look for a “window” where they already experience an enjoyable connection. Maybe it’s a TV series they both like, or another leisure activity or collaborative project that generates some interpersonal energy and flow, or physical closeness. There may be contexts that help them open up more, such as a vacation, social or familial event, or visiting with close friends. Once identified, the intimacy avoidant person can use those situations as platforms for experimenting with more emotionally expressive and self-disclosing behaviors, albeit in small steps. In kind, I coach the intimacy-starved individual to create greater emotional safety in their interactions, meaning don’t push, be supportive but not a cheerleader, and keep expectations in check.

When it comes to addressing intimacy avoidance, sneaking in through one of these situational windows is often better than trying to bust down the emotional front door.

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