Gender Differences? Venus and Mars are not People

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Illustration by Sophie Yufa

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

"Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” is a persistent, simplistic metaphor seeking to explain psychological differences between these two genders. It’s colorful and succinct, but also full of inaccuracies, stereotypes and biases. The popular self-help book of the same title purports to use these supposed distinctions to address relationship issues in heterosexual partnerings. Cross gender communication can be complex and confusing at times, which makes this by-the-numbers approach attractive. 

However, are the genders truly as different as most of us assume? This isn’t just a psychological question, but also a cultural one. Some of the generalizations inherent in the Mars/Venus analogy can unwittingly underpin sexism, and, in certain folks, even misogyny or misandry. For example, it is widely and erroneously believed women possess less emotional control than men. This bias reflects the common preference among many men to withhold emotional expression, which, oddly, is widely regarded as a positive attribute (a “real man”). Because gender-based bias can have damaging impacts on both individuals and groups, becoming clearer about the actual contrasts arising from gender promises both personal and collective benefit.

Aside from the obvious physical distinctions separating women and men, there are verifiable differences in personality, emotional sensitivities and mindsets, but they’re not what many of us assume. What’s more, nonbinary and transgender people scramble the female-male contrast even further, suggesting that gender is not some neatly defined bifurcated phenomenon. So, while we have far to go in truly understanding gender differences, there are some reliable conclusions to draw.

Personality and Behavior

For instance, several large studies have examined this question in relation to those who identify as traditionally female or male (cisgender as opposed to transgender). Researchers looked at a wide range of personality and behavioral traits. They concluded that, “Ultimately, we found no large differences in personality between cisgender men and women on any traits.” However, they did find low to moderate differences on over a dozen sub-traits, many of the same ones we tend to over-emphasize when asserting that women are from Venus and men from Mars.

For example, it is generally believed men are far more preoccupied with sex than women, but the research calls into question this “far more” belief. Yes, in the studies, guys tallied a higher average score on “sexual preoccupation,” but this was only in aggregate. Individually, there were plenty of women who showed higher sexual preoccupation than the average male, and there were many men who exhibited lower erotic interest than their gender’s average. Meaning generalizing about so-called gender specific traits is overreach.

There were certain sub-traits where gender differences stood out more. Men tend to be more emotionally thick-skinned, open to risk taking and self-valuing (thinking positively of themselves). In contrast, women scored higher on altruism, compassion and peacefulness. However, even here, the majority of both genders clustered fairly closely around all these traits, meaning few deviated big-time from the norm. By far, most people demonstrate what the researchers regard as a mixture of traits “more often seen in women and more often seen in men.” Translation?  Our similarities are greater than our differences.

The debate over the degree of gender’s influence on personality and behavior is ongoing and, at times, heated. Studies claiming significant differences are largely self-report surveys, which can also reflect cultural bias as well as the self-image management effect (basically, the desire to “look good” in a study). And, of course, there is always the chicken-and-egg conundrum. Are the personality differences we detect a consequence of biology (genetics, hormones, etc.) or due to developmental and cultural messaging (“big boys don’t cry” and “good girls are nice” and so on)? Lots of unanswered questions. 

What we do know is that the way we relate to a person is shaped, in no small part, by our biases about gender differences, many of which operate outside conscious awareness. There is a tendency to presume we know something about a person entirely based on their gender. Sometimes, we might guess correctly, but, more often, we are blinded by our biases and fail to see the real person beneath the skin.

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