Getty Images: female image by Kateryna Onyschuk; male image by Khosrork.
Interrupting
The news anchor asked the guest expert a question. Midway through her response, he interrupted with another question, albeit a rhetorical one. And, sure enough, after the expert began to reply, he cut her off again. Exasperated, I flipped the channel to one of those political “discussions” by a panel of pundits. After a brief period of listening to them, I realized none of them were listening to each other. Rather, they were four people shouting over each other, cranking up the volume to drown out the others.
The same scenario plays out in many talk shows, and they don’t call them that for nothing. It’s all talk and no listen. And this dismal script is hardly confined to red-faced ninnies in broadcast media. Rather, it has become an accepted modus operandi in many venues—academia, workplaces, political groups, families and street corners. The underlying message is, “I share, therefore I am.” But, when everyone is sharing, nobody is available to listen.
It has been said that one of the greatest acts of respect one person can extend to another is to ask them a question (a real one) and then attentively listen to and thoughtfully consider their response. Thankfully, a smattering of courteous civil discourse remains, largely on less in-your-face media outlets like PBS and NPR, or in the company of good friends or loving family, but, overall, it’s on the wane.
Don’t underestimate the emotional impact of cutting someone off mid-sentence. The implicit but unmistakable message is, “I don’t care what you think or how you feel.” That may not be our actual mindset when interrupting someone, but that’s how the message is received. Granted, all of us interrupt others on occasion, either out of enthusiasm or thoughtlessness, but an increasing number of folks do so habitually, even intentionally. Why?
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Bullies at the Bully Pulpit
For one, there is the hurry sickness that permeates our culture. Interrupting is the verbal equivalent of speeding on the highway or multi-tasking at the office, reflecting the inner drive to get to the destination or outcome as rapidly as possible. Of course, sometimes it simply reflects egocentricity, the belief that one is the center of the known universe and, therefore, deserves to occupy the podium, if not the bully pulpit, at all times. Many chronic interrupters believe nobody else could possibly have anything of comparable value to say, so they hold court.
And, for some, it is merely a way to beat somebody up without using one’s fists. When some bullies discover they can’t get away with physically assaulting folks, they do so verbally, stoking a perverse satisfaction in silencing and intimidating others. What’s more, studies show women are much more likely to suffer interruptions than men, reflecting the sexism pervasive in our culture and the mansplaining it generates. For some interrupters, it’s all about establishing dominance hierarchies.
How should one react? I learned one of the best responses from a former mentor. In the middle of him making a point, I interrupted. He just kept calmly speaking as if it wasn’t happening, which prompted me to stop and recognize my misdeed. So, one option involves continuing your statement as if you aren’t being verbally trampled on, but without the “shout over them” pyrotechnics. This sends the message that you expect to be heard and won’t accommodate the interrupter’s rude behavior. It’s also a statement about your personal power and self-respect.
For another, you can simply discontinue the conversation altogether because, in reality, you aren’t actually having one. Just tell the interrupter you’ll be happy to resume the interaction when they are prepared to listen. That takes some mettle but can be effective with certain folks. Granted, this does not work well with those who become overly defensive when given respectful feedback, so choose these battles carefully.
Social scientists point out the easiest way to get people to dislike you is to not listen and frequently interrupt. This fact seems lost on many. Bottom line? We can’t control those who interrupt us, but we can choose not to play their ill-mannered game.
