Incivility, slurs, bullying, hate… Spend enough time in today’s political news cycle and the dark side of social media, not to mention some dysfunctional families and workplaces, and you’ll get your unfair share of these acrimonious emotions.
Respect and kindness, it would seem, are on the cultural ropes, fending off one ugly blow after another. If you’re a gentle soul, you may feel like an endangered species. Are you? Time for the proverbial and annoying, “yes and no.”
Social scientists simply don’t possess reliable longitudinal data to determine if incivility has increased markedly compared with preceding decades. Which leaves us relying on anecdotal experiences as our measuring stick. And we all know how unreliable a gauge that can be.
If I stay inside my tight social circle, keep my psyche out of the body politic and avoid interstate highways, kindness seems the rule rather than the exception. But, in our cyber-social-media-intense world, not so much. Why? Let’s consider what psychology can tell us about the human predilection for nastiness. The proverbial devil on one shoulder and angel on the other is no accidental metaphor. Lincoln’s reference to our “better angels” has its shadowy counterpart. Why are we wired in this paradoxical fashion?
There a number of prime movers behind vile behavior. First up is simple social learning. Someone raised by unkind or abusive parents or other caregivers is at far greater risk of acquiring this emotional contagion and exhibiting it in their own behavior. A cogent counter-example in this regard is the Inuit people of the arctic. For the most part, their culturally-prescribed parenting style leans heavily on kindness. No screaming, no corporal punishment, little blaming, lots of patience and reasoning. The result? A society whose members, by and large, adhere to common human decency.
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A second and somewhat related factor is mental impotence. Folks who feel powerless, particularly if marginalized or victimized, are more inclined to strike out at their perceived tormentors, be that individuals, groups or society as a whole. This is a woefully common pedigree among mass murderers, although they are admittedly extreme outliers within this social grouping.
A third and often unrecognized influence is deep and chronic unhappiness. Depressed males, in particular, but burned-out people in general, declare their discontent through irritability, anger and cynicism. In fact, this is the most common symptom complex among those bummed out about their lives.
Fourth up is fear. Some red-in-the-face, bug-eyed screamer may not look frightened, but deep in the recesses of his or her reptilian brain, that’s often the prevailing emotion. Anger is fear’s most common mask. Long ago, our species learned that, when one’s back is up against the wall, coming out swinging may determine whether one lives or dies. Today, this principle applies less to the realm of physical survival and more to the psychological arena. If someone threatens my beliefs, self-worth or tribal identity, so to speak, then I may lash out in what I perceive as self-defense.
All this being said, any one of us can turn into a screaming meanie if subjected to sufficient stress, and in our hurry-sick, information-saturated, work-your-rear-off world, there’s no shortage of such moments. But, among those fundamentally kind, these are hiccups, not a lifestyle.
Bottom line? All these variants of negative emotional energy can spur someone to go over to the dark side. Once there, he or she will discover lots of like-minded company, which only reinforces an already caustic mindset. There are no panaceas for incivility, but we know when people enjoy a modicum of personal well-being and learn, usually early in life, to exercise emotional self-control, kindness prevails.
Philosopher Eric Hoffer said: “Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”
Be strong. Remain kind.
Philip Chard is a psychotherapist, author and trainer. Email him at outofmymind@philipchard.com or visit philipchard.com.
