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Old Habits vs. Change illustration
When Carla first consulted with me, she was, in her own terms, “a mess.” Previously, a psychotherapist pasted labels on her psyche ranging from “passive dependent personality” to “borderline personality disorder.” But regardless of the diagnostic name-calling, Carla simply felt mentally weak, emotionally vulnerable and largely impotent in her life.
She relied on her husband and family for almost everything—transportation, managing the finances, shopping and many other day-to-day activities. For her, the responsibilities most of us handle without much mental effort seemed like high hurdles. In short, she felt intimidated by the everyday demands of world and dependent on others to help her navigate life.
“How did I get this way?” she asked.
“Haven’t a clue,” I responded.
“Don’t you want to know about my past?” she continued.
“We’ll get there, but let’s start with who you are now,” I replied.
Genuinely Motivated
In response to my questions about her current circumstances, Carla painted a picture of someone bereft of self-confidence, a sense of personal power or the mettle to manage life’s basic challenges, let alone its daunting ones. Still, she had one thing going for her. She was fed up with her situation and genuinely motivated to embrace change.
“I’m tired of living this way. What do I need to do to get better?” she asked.
“You need to get your driver’s license,” I suggested to her considerable surprise.
Although well into her forties, Carla never learned to drive. Instead, she always depended on others to taxi her around, mostly her husband and a few close friends.
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“What good will getting a license do?” she wondered.
“Why don’t you find out?” I replied.
Minor Adjustment, Major Shift
It took some persuasion, but she finally decided to follow my suggestion. With a bit of nudging from friends and despite considerable pushback by family, particularly hubby, she soon graduated into the ranks of mobile Americans. Not surprisingly, this seemingly minor adjustment in her lifestyle precipitated a gradual but substantial shift in other behaviors. Before long, she was doing her own shopping, going out more with friends, volunteering and making increasingly independent decisions.
If someone is ready to change, finding and activating a key pivot point in their behavior or thinking, even a seemingly minor one, can set personal transformation into motion. While many of us assume that big problems require equally big solutions, often that is not the case. Little changes can reverberate into other aspects of one’s life, creating larger ones.
To be effective, a behavioral pivot point needs to address a central theme underpinning one’s challenge. In Carla’s case that theme was dependence on others, so her behavior change had to hit that head-on, which it did. For most of us, driving represents freedom, independence and empowerment, personal attributes that were in short supply for her.
However, identifying a behavioral pivot point can be taxing. Just as the eye cannot see itself, sometimes the mind suffers from a similar quandary, so a counselor, personal coach or trusted confidant can come in handy.
Even large complex problems are built on smaller mental stilts — ways of thinking, feeling and acting—much like a house of cards. And because everything in the psyche is interconnected, altering one variable usually modifies the entire problem matrix. Tug on one part of the web, so to speak, and everything shifts.
Frequently, changing one’s life requires tinkering with only one small piece of it. And, provided we choose the right piece, that can be enough.
For more, visit philipchard.com.
